what I've learned...

1st...this is my Daddy wearing his scarf!

 

For reasons we don't even need to talk about...I've learned to be very careful with which posts you want to delete when you are cleaning up the blog.  Dear blogger...make a "retrieve that post" place.  please!!! 

 

I have learned a lot of other things over the past week as well!

 

I learned that nursing school is a lot like grade school (and sometimes kindergarten).  Do you remember those little pills you had to chew after you brushed your teeth to see if you did a good job?  Well in nursing school, it is a neon orange liquid that you rub on your hands before you wash.  Then you get to hold your hands under a black light to see how you did.  It feels a bit like a contest, but I did good!  Instead of your mom timing your brushing time, it is the professor or your classmates (at least 15 seconds).  Instead of it being about cavities, it is about staph.  It's not about allowance...it's about grades!  Pass or fail.  Did your shirt touch the sink counter?  You are either a good hand washer, or you aren't.  And did you know your wrists were part of hand washing?  yeah...me either!

 

I practiced (hate to say learned yet) making a bed with someone in it.  This would have been good knowledge for when the kids were teens! :)  I apologize to my classmate for making you roll over the wad of sheets, and I will strive to remember to move to the other side next time before rolling you over.  And don't shake the pillow.  Or forget the toe pleat!

 

I learned that there is no possible way on Gods' green earth to read and comprehend the massive amount of assigned text/journal/online reading that is assigned every week.  no. possible. way.  I also wonder if the professors have had hidden nanny cams installed in our homes to record the look on our faces when we get the weeks' assignments, write them down and can SEE how much we have to do.  I think they have, and I further believe they play the footage at staff meetings and laugh and laugh!!  Then they eat cupcakes.

 

I have come to believe that camera phones are one of the greatest inventions ever!  You can be hours into homework, reading until your eyes are blurry, and get a picture of one of the grands sitting nekkid on the potty chair!  Suddenly, your perspective is changed...day made!  Or you can get a picture like the one up top, and your heart is happy/full while your eyes leak.  Perspective changed.  Use your camera phone to make someones day...it matters more than you think!  applying "good nani" boundaries by not posting the nekkid little picture!!

 

Facebook is a fun place on your birthday! :)  Except when you don't hear from someone you wanted to...that can be sad.  Just being real.  Facebook can also be ugly.  I don't like it when people repost those candid pics with kids that have profanity on them.  Is that really what you want to use cute pictures of kids for??  Honestly, I used to believe the "innocence of youth" was being lost outside the doors of the home...but now I believe it is being lost too often inside the home.  Another good thing to remember...facebook is part of your resume.  As is Pinterest.  But I won't mention those 10 minute turned to an hour study breaks on Pinterest!

 

I have learned that some people are taking life much too seriously.  There are people all over the world at every minute of the day that are facing life & death experiences.  For all that is life...SMILE!!  Uncross your arms, shake off the attitude and just get on with living in all the blessings you have!  moving on...

 

I came to realize that I am sometimes one of those people. 

 

I developed a deeper dislike (hate really) for the word "judge".  I am a Christian.  If you are too, please judge my actions (not my heart) if they are out of line.  Please.  If you aren't...let's talk.  :)  I am going to mess up every single day.  I don't like it, but I will work on it and move forward.  I am a work in progress.  If you tell me you are a believer, and I point out something that you are doing that isn't right...I'm not "judging" you.  I'm loving you the best way I know how.  And if I am talking to other people about how I think you messed up...that's gossip.  Call me on it.  Please.

 

So I am 3 weeks down with nursing school, and 53 years down with life.  I feel like I am reaching a point where I can finally say that I am good with the "who" I am part.  There are all sorts of parts of me that I want to work on...make better.  Why are we so determined to fight to stay the same sometimes?  I think the hardest thing for me right now is fighting the "things that must be done" and holding back the "things I want to be doing".  There are SO many things I want to be doing right now.  I am finally at a point in life where I get what is most important...and it isn't me!  So I'm just going to continue living my life for an audience of One...and that is all.

 

first day in scrubs :)

I don't know what is more amazing,

that I took this picture...

or that I'm posting it!

 

 

 

 



it's a colorful life...

it is finished :)

 

I've spent quite a bit of time over the last few days working on my "year in stitches" scarf.  It was hard to stick with it yesterday because I had volunteered overnight at Ronald McDonald house, and sadly, I really can't sleep while I'm there.  So I find myself needing a nap most of the following day.  Sitting on the couch with knitting needles in hand led to a couple of unplanned naps :) 

 

I was keeping one eye on my knitting, one eye on the clock and one eye on the Hallmark channel!  Yes...I did have to backtrack and fix a couple of mistakes because I had my eyes on one thing and not the other at the right time!  About 11 p.m. I was just starting into that last blue row on the right side.  I had a "sort of" plan for the ending, but was making it up as I went along.  I had started the year with 20 rows of a K4/P4 pattern, and planned to finish with 12 rows of the same.  I wanted a transition into the last 12...kind of a reflection space (that's the tweedy whitish block after the blue), and I decided to make that part of the pattern as well.  When the last stitch was cast off, and my needles were free, I looked at the clock...12:02 :)  I think that worked out very well!

 

I still had most of the ends to weave in, and I had thought I would just leave that for today.  But...I tend to put things off, and I wanted to finish this project.  I ended up weaving in until almost 2:30 a.m., but in looking at my effort this morning (late morning), I am glad I stayed up to get it done!  That was the easy part.  The deeper part was the reflection of looking back at it, and then in looking forward for it!

 

It is such a testament to the last year of my life!  I started out the year focused on my goals and ready to make them happen.  I like how in looking at the scarf, that is the time the knitting is random.  It moves from one color to the next without a pattern...don't think, just do.  Then things started getting crazy, and I put the scarf aside.  I was still jotting entries in my date book to go back and catch up.  As I previously wrote about, that lasted until May 31st when life got really crazy!  I'm not sure of the exact date I put the project aside, but it was sometime in April.  I didn't go back and "catch up" when I picked it back up in November because that somehow seemed wrong.  Yes, I know it's "just a scarf".  But it's not really, and I can't explain that if you don't get it :)

 

Now the question became...what do I DO with it?  I have mulled that around a lot!  I went to sleep with it on my mind last night, and it has occupied my thoughts a lot today as well.  There is a part of me that wants to keep it.  But the spirit of the project was to share my life with someone else.  It came to me about an hour ago...which made me cry, and now makes my heart sing :)

 

My Dad will be 81 years old on the 16th of this month.  There were times back around November that I wasn't sure he would make it until Thanksgiving (when we were planning a trip there). Then, as he has done many times, he got a little stronger.  He was even able to get out of bed for a time to join us for Thanksgiving dinner!    Then he got bad again during finals week, and the call came from my Mom that she had called in hospice care.  Then he seemed to stabilize a bit.  Now we are in a new year, and he is still hanging in there and I wish I could be closer so I could just sit and read the newspaper to him again (it's hard reading the comics to someone...makes them even funnier!).  I want to be able to give him a hug and let him know that I love him.  I can't do that right now...but I CAN send him a colorful birthday gift that he can wrap around his shoulders.  And that is what I will do.

Life can be messy, and my life & relationship with my parents has not been a smooth sail.  But in the end, when you get to be a growed up person, you realize that people do the best they can with what they are given.  You decide that you don't live in that part of your past any longer, and you keep your eyes looking forward.  No one is more proud of me and my achievements at school right now than my parents.  It means a lot to my daddy, and no matter what has come before...I am more his little girl now then ever before.  He needs a warm, colorful hug for his birthday...and that is what he shall get!  that is all!

2012 in the rearview...

I had a thought yesterday that I wanted to write a blog post on my top 12 things from this past year.  I got out a piece of paper to write on...and came up with 3 or 4 things.  I got out my date books and looked back over the past 12 months, and I see that there isn't much outside of school written in them.  So of course, that got me thinking deeper :)

The worldview of this year is focused on school.  That has been the focus for several years!  I thought that the highlight of that would be in applying for, and getting accepted into, the Bachelor's of Nursing program.  But that didn't end up being the case.  Don't get me wrong, the day I got that letter with my acceptance on it...there was dancing!  But I didn't realize at that time that the rest of the semester was going to be such an uphill battle, and that the real war had just started!  The culmination of that acceptance was actually last week in opening my transcript with the updated grades and seeing, in writing, that I had made it.  I was seriously reduced to a puddle on the floor.  And now...I am scared to death!  I got a stethoscope for Christmas, and seeing it about sent me into panic.  Stay tuned :)

Another biggie for me this past year was the Missoula Half Marathon in July.  But that can't be "simple" either!  I trained pretty well in the beginning.  I remember the day I did my first 6 mile run...I was SO excited (and really wiped out!).  Then things started to get interesting with the whole "make nani a nurse project", and my training fell off.  Literally.  Fell off the track.  Shoes in the closet drawing dust.  Chemistry.  ugh.  Should I still try to do it?  I had paid for it already (on New Years Eve just before midnight...promising myself a better me).  So I put it to a vote on facebook...where all the best decisions should be made!  The vote was do it!  So I did.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever, ever done.  The first 6 miles were ok...fun even :)  But after that...not. so. much.  I was offered an out at mile 10 by a very nice paramedic, and the not accepting of that ride still hurts in my left calf muscle every time I stretch it just the wrong way.  I remember very little of the last 3 miles.  I remember people cheering me on, offering encouragement to keep going.  I remember 2 women whom I saw at least 4 times along the course...they were on the bridge that crosses the Clark Fork to the finish line.  I felt like they were "my cheerleaders" along the way.  To hear a complete stranger say they are proud of you, look them in the eye and know they mean it...I wish I had their addresses!  I would have sent a thank you :)  Instead I left them with "no offense, but I glad I won't have to see you again".  But I did it.  Slowly, painfully...I did it!

Facebook.  I know it probably sounds kind of goofy, but it has been one of the best things of this past year!  I have been able to reconnect with old friends, and learn more about new ones.  I get to share pictures of my life, and see their life through the pictures they post.  I have seen weddings, reunions and babies.  Some posts make me laugh, and some make me cry.  I have treasured it all!  I'm not one of those that says you should only post "happy" on facebook.  I have had the privilege to pray through everything from premature babies to cancer.  Friends whose parents are passing.  Life gets messy, so "happy" doesn't always cut it.  I enjoy being a part of every part of the lives of my friends and family.  Do some of the posts make we want to strangle someone?  Umm...yeah.  So what?  Being able to be authentic, posting about a struggle and getting ((hugs))...knowing I'm not in it alone.  Priceless.  Putting up a picture of one of my grands, or a story that makes me laugh, and seeing the response...makes my heart smile :)

Pink October was fun!  Adding to the fun was in being able to drag so many people along with me :)  If you were around in October, you became adept at helping me spot "pink things" to photograph.  Ahhh....I have some very patient friends :)   Just yesterday I found out where this coffee came from!!  I will support them next year!!  Thanks again to the stranger that allowed me to take a photo of his coffee cup :)

I got to make a trip to Oregon for Thanksgiving with my kids.  I will always hold the memory of one of the littles "ducking" under the bridges so we didn't bonk our heads :)  3 year olds are very observant!  Although my dad's health continues to fail, and the trip was stressful in that regard, it remains a highlight. 




Picking out some of my favorite Christmas songs and sharing them on facebook was fun too!  I also got to discover some new ones.  Cloverton's Hallelujah Christmas still gets played almost daily!!  I am also trying to track down a way that we can order their music to sell where I work...emailed their manager last week.  They are from the UK and are indies...so, hopefully we can work that out!
**just in case you missed it!! :)   Awesome rendition of this song!!




Some of the worst came in December with the tragedy in Newtown, CT and the senseless loss of so many lives.  But even out of that...good came!  It has been so great to be a part of the 26 Acts of Kindness movement!  I hope you all have been moved to reach out to those around you!  It should be a way of life for us every day...we CAN triumph over evil.  One of the greatest gifts I received for Christmas was from my daughter and her family.  They sponsored a family through Salvation Army in my name :)  It still makes me teary eyed!  Do good things!

What will the year ahead bring?  Looking at my schedule...it has all the promise of busy that the last year held.  I'm trying to gather friends to come for marathon weekend in July (I am only planning the 5K this year!)...to run or just to gather.  I hope for more sleepovers with the grands this year than I fit in last year.  But the main focus is joy!  I am blessed, and while it would be easy to focus on the "wrong" in the world...I will not make it my focus.  I will not ignore it either, but it will not take the majority of my energy!  Do good things :)  that is all!

a day spent at the Shack...

I had lots of plans for the day, but after a conversation with a friend this morning they all went out the window.  Instead, I picked up my copy of The Shack and decided to plug in the Christmas tree and spend some time rereading what has become one of my favorite books. 

As we near the end of the year, I'm finding myself doing quite a bit of reflection on the events of the last 12 months.  I don't make resolutions, but year end is a good time to take inventory and just check in with yourself and see what needs more attention in your life (or less attention!). 

"People are tenacious when it comes to the treasure of their imaginary independence.  They hoard & hold their sickness with a firm grip.  They find their identity and worth in their brokenness and guard it with every ounce of strength they have.  No wonder grace has such little attraction.  In that sense you have tried to lock the door of your heart from the inside."  This is so true.  It is so easy to fall into the trap of letting our circumstances (past & present) determine who we think we are.  We will closely hold hurt or anger in and refuse to let it go.  It is such a waste of life! 

I have been trying so hard to live more intentionally this past year.  In some ways, I think I have succeeded, and in some ways...not :)  I'm not going to say I failed, because I think that even any small thing you do in the right direction is success.  Another one of my favorite passages from the book is this..."if anything matters, then everything matters.  Because you are important, everything you do is important.  Every time you forgive, the universe changes; every time you reach out and touch a heart or a life, the world changes; with every kindness and service, seen or unseen, my purposes are accomplished and nothing will ever be the same again.".  It all matters!

Though this book is a work of fiction, reading it has affected me more personally than any other work of fiction ever has.  I had trouble with it the first time I tried to read it, and put it aside for several days.  But in the end, I was intrigued enough to want to finish it.  For me, it didn't change who I knew God to be, but it opened Him up to me in a way that showed me what a personal relationship was like.

Reading it again now at the end of the year was a good reminder.  The plan for the new year is to continue to work toward being authentic and loving intentionally.  I continue to dream of the possibility of nani's house someday.  As I move forward with my degree (which I get to do!!), that is still a long term focus for me.  It seems like there are lots of doors open right now...what will the focus of my nursing career look like?  Pediatric oncology is still on my radar...and that ties into the long term dream of non-profit work.  I'm also trying to not look too far forward, and to focus on what needs to be done now.

2013 lies in front of us, and the possibilities are endless!  Reach out...enter in to the lives of people around you.  Give thought to the attraction of grace :)

**quoted passages from The Shack by William P. Young

how will life go on?

Like many people around the world, my thoughts have been focused outward the past few days.  Although evil has been around forever, it came at us last Friday in a way that brought a fresh horror.  Evil entered a grade school and took the lives of innocent children.  My thoughts have been coming at me from all different places, and most of them are gut wrenching & soul searching places.

My first thoughts, as I watched the news most of last Friday, were those of a parent and a grand parent.  I wanted to draw my family close and know they were safe, even though we are thousands of miles from Connecticut.  I remembered how I felt on 9/11...desperate to talk to everyone I loved so I could just be sure that they were well.  Knowing that our world was changing in ugly ways...wanting to return to the previous day or hour and make better decisions.  I felt grief for the parents that wouldn't get the chance for another hug or good night kiss.  I watched as some of the pictures started to come up...one with a line of children holding hands as they were led to safety.  That one little girl in blue, crying and scared...I wanted to just scoop her up and hold her until her own parents arrived.

I watched the posts online that said things like "God...hear our cries" and thought...He does.  I wanted to say "hear His, too".  I prayed for those families, and I continue to.  I balked at the questions of "where was God in this?".  I balked at the statements about how we had taken God out of the schools, so we had no right to ask where He was.  I believe with all my heart that He was there.  I believe that He pulled the souls of those children away before they could suffer greatly.  I know they were scared.  I know they were little lives that hadn't yet had the chance to make their own way.  But I also know they are in a place of peace & joy unrivaled right now.  My parents heart also knows that there isn't enough comfort in that to get through dark nights, but my heart of faith prays that one day it will be.

I've watched all the posts on facebook about our 2nd amendment rights.  I've been frustrated at some of the misinformation as well, but that happens all the time.  There have been quotes associated with "famous people" that they didn't really say.  There has been a speech that was made by the father of one of the kids killed at Columbine...sensationalized and reposted with error.  I have again thought that there are people in our world that have way too much time on their hands, that prey on us in our weakest moments and then sit back and watch the fruit of their labors.  I'm for our right to keep & bear arms, don't misunderstand.  I am armed, though I don't know if I could use it to protect myself...and I really don't ever want to find out.  I could have used it to protect a room full of children.  That I do know. 

My thoughts then went to the place where Christmas comes next week.  My heart of faith feels that it is no coincidence that evil has timed this tragedy for this time.  Our hearts have been pulled away, even if for a moment, from the miracle of the birth we celebrate.  I think evil has perfect timing to keep us unbalanced.  Does that make the miracle of Jesus' birth any less important?  Not at all.  But this has caused some of those who believe to question.  When that happens, evil scores a small victory.  Not an all out win, because I've read the end of the book and I know that he doesn't get the Victory.  But even small successes make me mad.

Then yesterday, I read about a movement that was starting and found the facebook page...hope swelled in me :)  26 Acts of Kindness was just what I needed to get heart moving in another direction.  When I first went to their page, just over 3,000 people had "liked" it.  This morning, as I write this post, it is just over 13,000!  Each person saying they will extend an act of kindness to at least 26 others to honor each of the lives taken.  That is more than 338,000 moments of Victory!  That is where I want to focus my energy right now.  Tell evil to take a hike with me...reach out in intentional acts of kindness.  Merry Christmas :)

losing my identity...

I had a little scare this morning.  I was checking my purse to make sure I had my keys & turning my phone off (so I didn't forget later) and was heading to church.  It seemed like something was missing...and then I noticed my wallet was gone.  I grabbed my backpack that I use for school thinking I must have left it in there, but it wasn't there.  I stood in the middle of my living room and started to mentally retrace my steps.  When was the last time I had it?  I remembered that I had taken it out at Ronald McDonald house (I volunteered for the overnight on Friday) and had gotten change to buy a bottle of water.  I thought I had put it back in my purse...but it wasn't there.

I made the decision to head to church, and on the way I called RMH to see if it had been found.  The director was there and answered the phone.  He went and looked around for it, and got back on the phone and told me he didn't see it anywhere.  It was then I began to have a little moment of panic.  Anyone "borrowing" my wallet wouldn't get far :)  I think I have 3 dollars and some change in it.  What I most worried about was my driver's license and what a pain it would be to replace that.  My debit card was in there too, but again...nobody is getting very far by breaking into my bank account! 

As I was sitting in church, it occurred to me that I may have thrown it into my overnight bag instead of my purse since they were sitting near each other on Friday night.  Sure enough, when I got home I checked and there it was!  I was relieved to not have to add recreating my wallet to the list of things I currently have to do.  I've never had to do that, though I have a couple of friends who have had theirs stolen that did.  It wasn't at the top of the list of fun things to do!!

Though needing to replace important items from my wallet would have been a pain, it would have been much easier to do that than it has been to recreate my identity as a Christian.  I don't know if God would say that I had lost my identity, but that is how it felt when I stopped attending church for a bit.  I didn't feel like I wasn't a Christian anymore, but I also knew I wasn't who I needed to be.  Please don't misunderstand the fact that I say I am "recreating" myself to mean that I am making myself something I'm not.  Well...that's not really right.  I guess it is more like I am allowing Christ to make me over from something I don't want to be.  I don't want to live a casual life.  That's the part of my identity I most want recreated. 

We have a new Pastor at our church, and he is in the process of shaking things up!  I like it, because one of the things he is most focused on is knocking us out of living so casually.  Today he started a new series on the book of James, and it was a good reminder that we haven't been called to an easy life.  That won't make much sense to anyone who isn't a Christian (but I figure most probably aren't still reading this anyway) :)   It has long been one of the biggest problems I have with "mega" preachers...they preach prosperity and how everything will be sunshine & roses if you just surrender yourself to Jesus.  Ummm... NOT! 

Anyway...I still have my drivers' license to say who I "am"...my physical identity is safe.  My spiritual identity is not in question either..even though it changes constantly and may not appear "safe" to the outside world.  I am a child of God.  the end.

words I didn't say...

Why is it sometimes so hard to get the words out of your mouth?  They fall from your brain out onto your tongue and then they just lay there...waiting for you to just say it.  Speak what is on your heart.  Don't worry about how it will be received.  Just start talking!

I have had several instances in my recent past where I have remained silent, and I sometimes will leave a conversation (or a non-conversation) feeling like a coward.  My intention isn't to be afraid to speak what my heart longs to get out there, in fact, I want very much to be the kind of person that can graciously say what is on their mind when they want to.  I don't like conflict, but I'm trying to learn to not run from it anymore.  I spent years running from things I didn't want to face...but I didn't ever get very far. 

Some people are very good at speaking their minds, regardless of how much pain it might cost the other person.  I was having a conversation with someone I love recently, and I said it isn't always necessary to speak what is on your mind.  The answer to that was "I am entitled to my opinion"...to which I said yes...you are.  But it is o.k. for it to remain your opinion silently.  Especially if giving the opinion won't change things, but will possibly make the situation worse. 

How do you know?  Once the words are out, they can't be retracted.  You can always apologize...but you can't ever take it back.  When you throw a stone into the water, rings emanate out from where it entered...the rings fade away, but the rock is still in there.  I had an instance once when I told someone I loved them, and I got silence in return.  The words had been given to a friend as a gift, and having it returned unopened was painful.  It remains, after all these years, a wound that even now stings.  I question still whether I regret giving that gift of words, and even though it does still hurt to not have them acknowledged...I wouldn't want to take them back. 

I know I recently posted about the power of our words, but the ones we don't say can have just as much power.  I guess I would rather err on the side of caution rather than hurt someone by speaking something that should remain unspoken.  But I admit this is one area of life that I wish came with a script.  Something along the lines of "this is a conversation that needs to be" or "just talk it out with yourself when you get home".  I don't like wondering...or worse yet knowing that I needed to speak up and didn't.

Again...I'm not sure of the point of this :)  I had my heart tweaked today by hearing of some words that were delivered in a callous and hurtful way, and it caused me to think about my own actions.  I guess all that I can do is to continue to try to act like a grown up that knows how to interact with the people around me.  Maybe one day it will become more clear!  the end.