I had some banana's that needed to be transformed, so I went in search of a healthier banana bread recipe. I found one that looked promising at cooks.com and dove in! The recipe is simple, and I didn't tweak too much. The flavor is good, and the bread is moist :)
Banana Applesauce Bread
3 ripe bananas/mashed (I used 3 really ripe ones & 1 sorta ripe one)
1 c. sugar (I used 1/2 brown sugar)
1/2 c. applesauce
2 eggs
1 tsp. baking soda
1 Tbsp. baking powder
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. vanilla (I also added about 1/4 tsp almond extract)
2 c. flour
I also tossed in about 1/2 c. pecans because they have been sitting patiently waiting to be thrown into something since Christmas!
Place mashed bananas in mixer bowl with sugars & mix it well. Let the mixture sit for 15 minutes so it gets nice & goopy. Add applesauce & eggs and beat well. Beat in baking soda, baking powder, salt & extracts. Gradually add flour & mix thoroughly. Bake in a greased (sprayed) 9x5 loaf pan @ 350 deg for 45 mins or until toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Let stand 10 mins in pan before removing. Makes 1 loaf (I only have 8.5x4.5 pans, and I baked for about 50 mins)
Since all the batter was too much for my smaller pan, I made 2 large muffins as well. I ate one of those while it was warm and it was yummy! This is moist enough you could sub wheat flour without making it too dry, which I will try next time I have both wheat flour and yucky bananas in the house at the same time!
...so I need to get some stuff cleared out to make way for new stuff!
I'm not really sure where to start, or even if this will come together in a way that will make any sense. But...that won't be the first time that has happened! I had the opportunity last weekend to speak to a old friend that I hadn't talked to in over 30 years. I think my muddled head has something to do with that. Sketching out what the last 30 years has looked like as briefly as possible is like opening boxes in the attic to get a glimpse of what is in them. The dust tickles your nose and you may cough a bit. It's interesting to see what has been packed away, but if it is just "stuff you want to keep but don't need every day", it has to be packed back away so the lid shuts well. But once you've seen it and touched it, it stays on your mind for awhile. Or something like that.
On top of that, it was Valentines week. I have some friends that hate it, and some that were doing the "singles awareness" thing. I believe that is what really got my head spinning! I believe in long term, lasting forever love. It is what I wanted more than anything, but it was not to be. Just because I have been through a divorce does not mean I still don't believe in that. I loved seeing the pictures of roses and sweet notes that were put up on facebook. I really loved the surprise candlelight pizza dinner on china that one young man set up for his bride of not yet 2 years. They are building a new home, and he set it up there amid the studs and construction. That made me smile big! I love when people profess their love for their spouse, whether it is on facebook or written in the snow or dust or whatever. I think if we fought as hard FOR our marriages as we do against them sometimes...well we would have something pretty amazing. I don't need to call it anything other than what it is...Valentines day. Yup...man made holiday about nothing other than letting those you love know it and sharing it with others. It doesn't have to be a spouse. So what if you are single...isn't there someone you love enough to make them feel special?? Do you tell them everyday? Good for you!! Still doesn't mean you have to boycott the whole day. Or that you can't boycott it quietly.
moving on.......but not far..........
Why has this affected me so deeply? Much has happened this week that has made me just SO thankful. A sweet baby girl that started her life out with an uphill battle got to go home from the hospital and learn what it's like at her new home...with a mama that has been by her side and away from that same home for about 2 months. Another little guy that is almost a year old is going home from the hospital for the first time in his life. I learned that a little 6 year old girl had a clear MRI after 2 bouts of brain cancer. And then there were hard things. A young woman my daughter played softball with lost her life this week. Another child, a 10 year old, that will soon be leaving this earth due to illness. With each story, my mama's heart was stretched and challenged. In each case, I think about what the mom must be feeling. I know dad's are involved too, but being the incubator for a little life makes them a part of you that never goes away. Their joys are magnified in your heart, and their sorrows hurt you deeply. Both sometimes in ways that can't be expressed with words...there are only tears to mark the occasion. Lessons learned...prayers of thanks offered.
I had my television on one night for background noise...HGTV I believe. Some show about outrageous homes. I heard them say something about just the knives alone for this large table cost $115,000.00 dollars. And I just stopped. First off...it was a big table (I believe it seated 80). Secondly...it was a big UGLY table! But it was the cost of the knives that got me. Knives that will cost just a bit more than the college education I am fighting so hard for. Then they asked the price of the table...over $300,000.00. Let me be very clear that if that is what these folks want to spend their money on...more power to them!! It was just hearing that in the midst of every other thing going through my mind this week that stopped me in my tracks. Then there was the trying to put it into perspective...but I'm still working on that a bit.
See...I want SO much to be able to finish my degree. I also want very much to be able to establish nani's house and get busy with the business of bringing joy to those I want to encourage. There was that little part of my brain that started with the "oh man...what I could do with the 400+ thousand dollars that they spent on a table and knives". But then the rest of my brain (along with my heart) started the work of helping me to realize that that is not MY story...it is theirs. My story doesn't have a big ol' table with expensive knives. I have 3 tables...one I bought at a garage sale for $10, one belonged to my grandmother and is peeling salmon/pink paint all over the spare room and the one that is in my dining room piled with my computer, printer and a ton of books that came from Costco. That is my story, and just because it didn't cost as much doesn't mean it isn't worth as much.
So I guess the moral of this whole story is this. Anytime you want to shout your love out for somebody...I am all ears!! It is valuable information, and the fact that you want to talk about it makes me happy. I think of the mama's that won't have their kids here to tell them just one more time how much they love them, or the wives/husbands who don't get to have the "traditional" Valentines day. We all have our own stories to tell, those pieces that make us who we are. I can have momentary longings about living it a different way, but I really don't want to. I want to feel every emotion of living MY story the way God has written it. I don't want to know the ending because I know me well enough to know that I would try to tweak it somehow, and then it wouldn't be the best story. I want the best one...the one that has been carved out just for me. the end.
For reasons we don't even need to talk about...I've learned to be very careful with which posts you want to delete when you are cleaning up the blog. Dear blogger...make a "retrieve that post" place. please!!!
I have learned a lot of other things over the past week as well!
I learned that nursing school is a lot like grade school (and sometimes kindergarten). Do you remember those little pills you had to chew after you brushed your teeth to see if you did a good job? Well in nursing school, it is a neon orange liquid that you rub on your hands before you wash. Then you get to hold your hands under a black light to see how you did. It feels a bit like a contest, but I did good! Instead of your mom timing your brushing time, it is the professor or your classmates (at least 15 seconds). Instead of it being about cavities, it is about staph. It's not about allowance...it's about grades! Pass or fail. Did your shirt touch the sink counter? You are either a good hand washer, or you aren't. And did you know your wrists were part of hand washing? yeah...me either!
I practiced (hate to say learned yet) making a bed with someone in it. This would have been good knowledge for when the kids were teens! :) I apologize to my classmate for making you roll over the wad of sheets, and I will strive to remember to move to the other side next time before rolling you over. And don't shake the pillow. Or forget the toe pleat!
I learned that there is no possible way on Gods' green earth to read and comprehend the massive amount of assigned text/journal/online reading that is assigned every week. no. possible. way. I also wonder if the professors have had hidden nanny cams installed in our homes to record the look on our faces when we get the weeks' assignments, write them down and can SEE how much we have to do. I think they have, and I further believe they play the footage at staff meetings and laugh and laugh!! Then they eat cupcakes.
I have come to believe that camera phones are one of the greatest inventions ever! You can be hours into homework, reading until your eyes are blurry, and get a picture of one of the grands sitting nekkid on the potty chair! Suddenly, your perspective is changed...day made! Or you can get a picture like the one up top, and your heart is happy/full while your eyes leak. Perspective changed. Use your camera phone to make someones day...it matters more than you think! applying "good nani" boundaries by not posting the nekkid little picture!!
Facebook is a fun place on your birthday! :) Except when you don't hear from someone you wanted to...that can be sad. Just being real. Facebook can also be ugly. I don't like it when people repost those candid pics with kids that have profanity on them. Is that really what you want to use cute pictures of kids for?? Honestly, I used to believe the "innocence of youth" was being lost outside the doors of the home...but now I believe it is being lost too often inside the home. Another good thing to remember...facebook is part of your resume. As is Pinterest. But I won't mention those 10 minute turned to an hour study breaks on Pinterest!
I have learned that some people are taking life much too seriously. There are people all over the world at every minute of the day that are facing life & death experiences. For all that is life...SMILE!! Uncross your arms, shake off the attitude and just get on with living in all the blessings you have! moving on...
I came to realize that I am sometimes one of those people.
I developed a deeper dislike (hate really) for the word "judge". I am a Christian. If you are too, please judge my actions (not my heart) if they are out of line. Please. If you aren't...let's talk. :) I am going to mess up every single day. I don't like it, but I will work on it and move forward. I am a work in progress. If you tell me you are a believer, and I point out something that you are doing that isn't right...I'm not "judging" you. I'm loving you the best way I know how. And if I am talking to other people about how I think you messed up...that's gossip. Call me on it. Please.
So I am 3 weeks down with nursing school, and 53 years down with life. I feel like I am reaching a point where I can finally say that I am good with the "who" I am part. There are all sorts of parts of me that I want to work on...make better. Why are we so determined to fight to stay the same sometimes? I think the hardest thing for me right now is fighting the "things that must be done" and holding back the "things I want to be doing". There are SO many things I want to be doing right now. I am finally at a point in life where I get what is most important...and it isn't me! So I'm just going to continue living my life for an audience of One...and that is all.
I've spent quite a bit of time over the last few days working on my "year in stitches" scarf. It was hard to stick with it yesterday because I had volunteered overnight at Ronald McDonald house, and sadly, I really can't sleep while I'm there. So I find myself needing a nap most of the following day. Sitting on the couch with knitting needles in hand led to a couple of unplanned naps :)
I was keeping one eye on my knitting, one eye on the clock and one eye on the Hallmark channel! Yes...I did have to backtrack and fix a couple of mistakes because I had my eyes on one thing and not the other at the right time! About 11 p.m. I was just starting into that last blue row on the right side. I had a "sort of" plan for the ending, but was making it up as I went along. I had started the year with 20 rows of a K4/P4 pattern, and planned to finish with 12 rows of the same. I wanted a transition into the last 12...kind of a reflection space (that's the tweedy whitish block after the blue), and I decided to make that part of the pattern as well. When the last stitch was cast off, and my needles were free, I looked at the clock...12:02 :) I think that worked out very well!
I still had most of the ends to weave in, and I had thought I would just leave that for today. But...I tend to put things off, and I wanted to finish this project. I ended up weaving in until almost 2:30 a.m., but in looking at my effort this morning (late morning), I am glad I stayed up to get it done! That was the easy part. The deeper part was the reflection of looking back at it, and then in looking forward for it!
It is such a testament to the last year of my life! I started out the year focused on my goals and ready to make them happen. I like how in looking at the scarf, that is the time the knitting is random. It moves from one color to the next without a pattern...don't think, just do. Then things started getting crazy, and I put the scarf aside. I was still jotting entries in my date book to go back and catch up. As I previously wrote about, that lasted until May 31st when life got really crazy! I'm not sure of the exact date I put the project aside, but it was sometime in April. I didn't go back and "catch up" when I picked it back up in November because that somehow seemed wrong. Yes, I know it's "just a scarf". But it's not really, and I can't explain that if you don't get it :)
Now the question became...what do I DO with it? I have mulled that around a lot! I went to sleep with it on my mind last night, and it has occupied my thoughts a lot today as well. There is a part of me that wants to keep it. But the spirit of the project was to share my life with someone else. It came to me about an hour ago...which made me cry, and now makes my heart sing :)
My Dad will be 81 years old on the 16th of this month. There were times back around November that I wasn't sure he would make it until Thanksgiving (when we were planning a trip there). Then, as he has done many times, he got a little stronger. He was even able to get out of bed for a time to join us for Thanksgiving dinner! Then he got bad again during finals week, and the call came from my Mom that she had called in hospice care. Then he seemed to stabilize a bit. Now we are in a new year, and he is still hanging in there and I wish I could be closer so I could just sit and read the newspaper to him again (it's hard reading the comics to someone...makes them even funnier!). I want to be able to give him a hug and let him know that I love him. I can't do that right now...but I CAN send him a colorful birthday gift that he can wrap around his shoulders. And that is what I will do.
Life can be messy, and my life & relationship with my parents has not been a smooth sail. But in the end, when you get to be a growed up person, you realize that people do the best they can with what they are given. You decide that you don't live in that part of your past any longer, and you keep your eyes looking forward. No one is more proud of me and my achievements at school right now than my parents. It means a lot to my daddy, and no matter what has come before...I am more his little girl now then ever before. He needs a warm, colorful hug for his birthday...and that is what he shall get! that is all!
I had a thought yesterday that I wanted to write a blog post on my top 12 things from this past year. I got out a piece of paper to write on...and came up with 3 or 4 things. I got out my date books and looked back over the past 12 months, and I see that there isn't much outside of school written in them. So of course, that got me thinking deeper :)
The worldview of this year is focused on school. That has been the focus for several years! I thought that the highlight of that would be in applying for, and getting accepted into, the Bachelor's of Nursing program. But that didn't end up being the case. Don't get me wrong, the day I got that letter with my acceptance on it...there was dancing! But I didn't realize at that time that the rest of the semester was going to be such an uphill battle, and that the real war had just started! The culmination of that acceptance was actually last week in opening my transcript with the updated grades and seeing, in writing, that I had made it. I was seriously reduced to a puddle on the floor. And now...I am scared to death! I got a stethoscope for Christmas, and seeing it about sent me into panic. Stay tuned :)
Another biggie for me this past year was the Missoula Half Marathon in July. But that can't be "simple" either! I trained pretty well in the beginning. I remember the day I did my first 6 mile run...I was SO excited (and really wiped out!). Then things started to get interesting with the whole "make nani a nurse project", and my training fell off. Literally. Fell off the track. Shoes in the closet drawing dust. Chemistry. ugh. Should I still try to do it? I had paid for it already (on New Years Eve just before midnight...promising myself a better me). So I put it to a vote on facebook...where all the best decisions should be made! The vote was do it! So I did. It was one of the hardest things I have ever, ever done. The first 6 miles were ok...fun even :) But after that...not. so. much. I was offered an out at mile 10 by a very nice paramedic, and the not accepting of that ride still hurts in my left calf muscle every time I stretch it just the wrong way. I remember very little of the last 3 miles. I remember people cheering me on, offering encouragement to keep going. I remember 2 women whom I saw at least 4 times along the course...they were on the bridge that crosses the Clark Fork to the finish line. I felt like they were "my cheerleaders" along the way. To hear a complete stranger say they are proud of you, look them in the eye and know they mean it...I wish I had their addresses! I would have sent a thank you :) Instead I left them with "no offense, but I glad I won't have to see you again". But I did it. Slowly, painfully...I did it!
Facebook. I know it probably sounds kind of goofy, but it has been one of the best things of this past year! I have been able to reconnect with old friends, and learn more about new ones. I get to share pictures of my life, and see their life through the pictures they post. I have seen weddings, reunions and babies. Some posts make me laugh, and some make me cry. I have treasured it all! I'm not one of those that says you should only post "happy" on facebook. I have had the privilege to pray through everything from premature babies to cancer. Friends whose parents are passing. Life gets messy, so "happy" doesn't always cut it. I enjoy being a part of every part of the lives of my friends and family. Do some of the posts make we want to strangle someone? Umm...yeah. So what? Being able to be authentic, posting about a struggle and getting ((hugs))...knowing I'm not in it alone. Priceless. Putting up a picture of one of my grands, or a story that makes me laugh, and seeing the response...makes my heart smile :)
Pink October was fun! Adding to the fun was in being able to drag so many people along with me :) If you were around in October, you became adept at helping me spot "pink things" to photograph. Ahhh....I have some very patient friends :) Just yesterday I found out where this coffee came from!! I will support them next year!! Thanks again to the stranger that allowed me to take a photo of his coffee cup :)
I got to make a trip to Oregon for Thanksgiving with my kids. I will always hold the memory of one of the littles "ducking" under the bridges so we didn't bonk our heads :) 3 year olds are very observant! Although my dad's health continues to fail, and the trip was stressful in that regard, it remains a highlight.
Picking out some of my favorite Christmas songs and sharing them on facebook was fun too! I also got to discover some new ones. Cloverton's Hallelujah Christmas still gets played almost daily!! I am also trying to track down a way that we can order their music to sell where I work...emailed their manager last week. They are from the UK and are indies...so, hopefully we can work that out!
**just in case you missed it!! :) Awesome rendition of this song!!
Some of the worst came in December with the tragedy in Newtown, CT and the senseless loss of so many lives. But even out of that...good came! It has been so great to be a part of the 26 Acts of Kindness movement! I hope you all have been moved to reach out to those around you! It should be a way of life for us every day...we CAN triumph over evil. One of the greatest gifts I received for Christmas was from my daughter and her family. They sponsored a family through Salvation Army in my name :) It still makes me teary eyed! Do good things!
What will the year ahead bring? Looking at my schedule...it has all the promise of busy that the last year held. I'm trying to gather friends to come for marathon weekend in July (I am only planning the 5K this year!)...to run or just to gather. I hope for more sleepovers with the grands this year than I fit in last year. But the main focus is joy! I am blessed, and while it would be easy to focus on the "wrong" in the world...I will not make it my focus. I will not ignore it either, but it will not take the majority of my energy! Do good things :) that is all!
I had lots of plans for the day, but after a conversation with a friend this morning they all went out the window. Instead, I picked up my copy of The Shack and decided to plug in the Christmas tree and spend some time rereading what has become one of my favorite books.
As we near the end of the year, I'm finding myself doing quite a bit of reflection on the events of the last 12 months. I don't make resolutions, but year end is a good time to take inventory and just check in with yourself and see what needs more attention in your life (or less attention!).
"People are tenacious when it comes to the treasure of their imaginary independence. They hoard & hold their sickness with a firm grip. They find their identity and worth in their brokenness and guard it with every ounce of strength they have. No wonder grace has such little attraction. In that sense you have tried to lock the door of your heart from the inside." This is so true. It is so easy to fall into the trap of letting our circumstances (past & present) determine who we think we are. We will closely hold hurt or anger in and refuse to let it go. It is such a waste of life!
I have been trying so hard to live more intentionally this past year. In some ways, I think I have succeeded, and in some ways...not :) I'm not going to say I failed, because I think that even any small thing you do in the right direction is success. Another one of my favorite passages from the book is this..."if anything matters, then everything matters. Because you are important, everything you do is important. Every time you forgive, the universe changes; every time you reach out and touch a heart or a life, the world changes; with every kindness and service, seen or unseen, my purposes are accomplished and nothing will ever be the same again.". It all matters!
Though this book is a work of fiction, reading it has affected me more personally than any other work of fiction ever has. I had trouble with it the first time I tried to read it, and put it aside for several days. But in the end, I was intrigued enough to want to finish it. For me, it didn't change who I knew God to be, but it opened Him up to me in a way that showed me what a personal relationship was like.
Reading it again now at the end of the year was a good reminder. The plan for the new year is to continue to work toward being authentic and loving intentionally. I continue to dream of the possibility of nani's house someday. As I move forward with my degree (which I get to do!!), that is still a long term focus for me. It seems like there are lots of doors open right now...what will the focus of my nursing career look like? Pediatric oncology is still on my radar...and that ties into the long term dream of non-profit work. I'm also trying to not look too far forward, and to focus on what needs to be done now.
2013 lies in front of us, and the possibilities are endless! Reach out...enter in to the lives of people around you. Give thought to the attraction of grace :)
**quoted passages from The Shack by William P. Young
Like many people around the world, my thoughts have been focused outward the past few days. Although evil has been around forever, it came at us last Friday in a way that brought a fresh horror. Evil entered a grade school and took the lives of innocent children. My thoughts have been coming at me from all different places, and most of them are gut wrenching & soul searching places.
My first thoughts, as I watched the news most of last Friday, were those of a parent and a grand parent. I wanted to draw my family close and know they were safe, even though we are thousands of miles from Connecticut. I remembered how I felt on 9/11...desperate to talk to everyone I loved so I could just be sure that they were well. Knowing that our world was changing in ugly ways...wanting to return to the previous day or hour and make better decisions. I felt grief for the parents that wouldn't get the chance for another hug or good night kiss. I watched as some of the pictures started to come up...one with a line of children holding hands as they were led to safety. That one little girl in blue, crying and scared...I wanted to just scoop her up and hold her until her own parents arrived.
I watched the posts online that said things like "God...hear our cries" and thought...He does. I wanted to say "hear His, too". I prayed for those families, and I continue to. I balked at the questions of "where was God in this?". I balked at the statements about how we had taken God out of the schools, so we had no right to ask where He was. I believe with all my heart that He was there. I believe that He pulled the souls of those children away before they could suffer greatly. I know they were scared. I know they were little lives that hadn't yet had the chance to make their own way. But I also know they are in a place of peace & joy unrivaled right now. My parents heart also knows that there isn't enough comfort in that to get through dark nights, but my heart of faith prays that one day it will be.
I've watched all the posts on facebook about our 2nd amendment rights. I've been frustrated at some of the misinformation as well, but that happens all the time. There have been quotes associated with "famous people" that they didn't really say. There has been a speech that was made by the father of one of the kids killed at Columbine...sensationalized and reposted with error. I have again thought that there are people in our world that have way too much time on their hands, that prey on us in our weakest moments and then sit back and watch the fruit of their labors. I'm for our right to keep & bear arms, don't misunderstand. I am armed, though I don't know if I could use it to protect myself...and I really don't ever want to find out. I could have used it to protect a room full of children. That I do know.
My thoughts then went to the place where Christmas comes next week. My heart of faith feels that it is no coincidence that evil has timed this tragedy for this time. Our hearts have been pulled away, even if for a moment, from the miracle of the birth we celebrate. I think evil has perfect timing to keep us unbalanced. Does that make the miracle of Jesus' birth any less important? Not at all. But this has caused some of those who believe to question. When that happens, evil scores a small victory. Not an all out win, because I've read the end of the book and I know that he doesn't get the Victory. But even small successes make me mad.
Then yesterday, I read about a movement that was starting and found the facebook page...hope swelled in me :) 26 Acts of Kindness was just what I needed to get heart moving in another direction. When I first went to their page, just over 3,000 people had "liked" it. This morning, as I write this post, it is just over 13,000! Each person saying they will extend an act of kindness to at least 26 others to honor each of the lives taken. That is more than 338,000 moments of Victory! That is where I want to focus my energy right now. Tell evil to take a hike with me...reach out in intentional acts of kindness. Merry Christmas :)
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