the man I called Daddy

I got a phone call on a recent early morning letting me know that my Daddy had gone to heaven.  I actually missed the call...but when you see your brother called twice before 4:00 a.m., you call back.

My Dad had been sick for quite some time...years actually.  He was a Type II diabetic, and then many more complications added on.  They took his left leg many years ago.  I don't remember how many exactly, but I know where I was living and I remember the plane ride home to be with him & my mom.  I remember the look on his face and the fear before he went into surgery.  I remember him holding my hand, looking me in the eyes and asking me to pray for him.  It's one of those memories that hovers at a time like this. 

We've been put on notice a minimum of 4 times...not knowing if he would make it through the night or day or the next hour.  But he always did.  He always bounced back.  But I knew this call was different.  When I talked to him a couple of weeks ago, I heard in his voice that he was done.  I wasn't really ready to face it, but I was resigned to the news.

In talking to my Mom later, she told me about the last day they had together...and it made my heart smile for a moment.  It had been obvious over the past couple of weeks that he was slipping, but just putting together how it all played out...perfect.  My parents 61st wedding anniversary was last month...it wasn't a "good" day, but they were together.  Longtime friends came to visit and my nephew got married that past weekend...so good that they were able to do that without the shadow of this overhead.  And his last day...he was able to go for a wheel outside in his chair, watch a baseball game on television and eat the gluten free pizza my Mom made him for dinner.  It was a good day :)  God's timing is perfect in all things.

In the past several days, as I have thought and talked through this, I am thankful for the man my Dad grew into.  I didn't have that storybook childhood, but I wouldn't trade it for who the heart of my Dad became in his later years.  He gave his heart to Jesus in 2004 and was baptized...and it changed him.  He could still be that surly, grumpy guy...but the middle of him that had always been marshmallowy?  Well it was more like the center of a perfectly roasted marshmallow now.  When you were persistent to get down to it...it was warm & melty.

My dad was from an era where father's didn't do a lot of hugging and saying "I love you".  At least not with those actions or words.  My dad hugged me with actions like rescuing me from a cow at the fair that decided it would pummel me into the manger when I took it hay.  He shouted out his love when I was in the show ring with the words "get your hands off that cow!".  In my defense, my cow (Susie Q) loved to be scratched on the side of the face when the judge wasn't looking.  But my dad was always looking!  He had been showing cows a great portion of his life.  There was a right way and a wrong way.  The wrong way was rattling the chain & scratching the side of the face of the cow you were showing...but I didn't fare too badly in the show ring anyway!  And Susie Q...well she didn't mind being shown most of the time.  She would urp up a cud and play along.  Dad wasn't always impressed.  He would move around the ring (on the outside of the fence) with me.  I can still see him standing with his feet apart, arms crossed with one hand to the side of his face.  The sentinel.  At the time...I wanted to shout back "she likes it!".  Now...the memory makes me smile.

Later, when I was married and living away, my phone would ring.  I would answer and hear "got a joke for ya".  It always made me smile, because sometimes they were really stupid jokes.  Sometimes he would get them out of order and botch the delivery.  But I always laughed, and it made me happy because I knew he was telling me he loved me.  As soon as he was done with the joke, he would say "here's your mother"...short, sweet and to the point.

And over the past few years, the moment that always made me smile and made tears clog my throat, were the prayers he said at every meal.  It always included "watch over the little ones"...full to the top with "I love you".  He had a fierce love for his grandchildren and great grandchildren.  Nearly every time I talked with him on the phone, one of his first questions was "how are the babies?".  Then I would relate little stories for him.  Each phone conversation was shorter...each moment when he would say "here's your mother" would come quicker.  Each would leave me wanting to say more...but I always tried to leave him with "I love you, Daddy".

This week the family will gather to say good bye to the earthly remains of my Dad.  But the memories will always be in my heart.  I will always know he is watching out for me.  I will always remember the last visit home, playing poker & eating popcorn and reading him the paper.  Whenever I have pancakes I will wonder if I should try them the way he liked them, with milk & sugar, just once.  Maybe the sogginess will be worth it?  I will remember the good times, and let the memories of the pain he lived in fade.  I'll remember the twinkle in his eyes and his impish grin.  Always...I will remember...

Milo Burton McCright  1/16/32 - 9/5/13

coexist?

I read something this morning that talked about four important boxes, one of them being the soapbox.  That's probably how this post should be categorized...you have been warned.  Click away right now.  Politics & religion may be involved. 

It hardly seems right that I haven't put a post up since March, and I am here now with this one.  Seriously, the reason I haven't written isn't because I don't have anything to say.  It's because I have too much!!  I have started more posts than I can recall...some I delete knowing no one will "get it", and some still languish about in that "written but unposted" region.  Which means they will probably be deleted too.

Have you seen the bumper sticker that says "coexist"?  I was planning to put a picture of it up on here just in case you haven't...but it tweaks me enough that I can't do it.  Google it if you have no idea what I'm talking about.  Every time I see one, which is quite often in the town I live in, it irritates me.  Is that really the best you are shooting for??  And is that really what you want?  Because I really don't believe that it is, or you just would.

I make no secret of the fact that I am a believer in Christ.  I also make no secret of the fact that I don't think that makes me better than anyone else.  I screw up all the time, and I freely admit it.  I don't want any special privileges because of it.  I don't want to be treated differently either.  But I am...all the time.  I get the eye rolls, catch the "look" between people...one to warn the other to "be careful".  I appreciate it when people temper their language around me, but I don't ask them to.  Well...except for using God's name as slang or as a swear word...that one makes my stomach hurt.  Physically.  It's like someone cursing your favorite Grandma (the one that bakes those special cookies you like) times a million.  Why do we do that? 

                                                             anyway..........


I don't understand why groups fight for preferential treatment because they are "different".  If you are gay, be gay.  If you are black/brown/green/purple...be it.  If you are a liberal democrat (I'm sorry) or a right wing republican...be it!  If you are for an issue...support it.  If you are against an issue...support YOURS!  Don't tell me how stupid I am.  Give me the facts about why you support what you do.  I will listen, but that doesn't mean you should expect me to change my mind.  If you bring a darn good argument...you may sway me.  But if you start telling me that I need to stop being so narrow minded because I don't agree with you...well...you just lost me.

I want more than a world where we coexist.  I want a world where we love & respect each other, even if we have opposing views.  If you are involved in something that I believe is harmful to you, I hope I have the courage to tell you...and I hope you have the courage to listen with an open heart.  It's crazy to me that we have all these special groups for people who are shouting about being discriminated against.  I actually read a story recently about a guy who was handicapped making a living off of going around to businesses and testing their compliance with laws for people with disabilities...measuring how far the toilet paper roll was from the ground and the toilet & how high the sink was...stuff like that.  Then, if they were off (not that he couldn't reach them...just that they weren't quite right), he would sue.  And win.  He has all this time and the capability to get around in his wheelchair well enough to do this, but not work.  what the heck??

The atheist groups suing to have God taken out of every corner of the world really perplex me.  If you don't believe in God, why does the fact that I do bother you so much.  He's my "imaginary friend"...right.  Nothing to see here...move along.  Merry Christmas. 

I know there are people reading this that will think I am some right wing religious nut who doesn't have a clue what it's like "out there" for you in the real world.  I am guilty of being a republican who is a believer.  Don't tell me how hard your life is without understanding that mine hasn't always been a cake walk either.  If you want to know my story...let's talk.  I do that pretty well.  I'll tell you about the discriminated group I could start for single middle aged white women with no dependents at home to support that are working 2 jobs and going to college full time that need a vacation.  I do complain about it sometimes...but it doesn't define me.  It's who I am...I just live it.  Sometimes it is so hard that I just want to throw in the towel and call it a day (and if the entitled generation we are raising succeeds in getting the minimum wage jumped for entry level jobs...nah), but I won't.

We are entitled to nothing.  We are so busy drawing lines in the sand and watching for people to stick their toes over that we don't take time to look at the whole beach.  Watch the waves roll up. 

I miss the beach...the end.

banana applesauce bread

I had some banana's that needed to be transformed, so I went in search of a healthier banana bread recipe.  I found one that looked promising at cooks.com and dove in!  The recipe is simple, and I didn't tweak too much.  The flavor is good, and the bread is moist :)

Banana Applesauce Bread

3 ripe bananas/mashed (I used 3 really ripe ones & 1 sorta ripe one)
1 c. sugar (I used 1/2 brown sugar)
1/2 c. applesauce
2 eggs
1 tsp. baking soda
1 Tbsp. baking powder
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. vanilla (I also added about 1/4 tsp almond extract)
2 c. flour
I also tossed in about 1/2 c. pecans because they have been sitting patiently waiting to be thrown into something since Christmas!

Place mashed bananas in mixer bowl with sugars & mix it well.  Let the mixture sit for 15 minutes so it gets nice & goopy.  Add applesauce & eggs and beat well.  Beat in baking soda, baking powder, salt & extracts.  Gradually add flour & mix thoroughly.  Bake in a greased (sprayed) 9x5 loaf pan @ 350 deg for 45 mins or until toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.  Let stand 10 mins in pan before removing.  Makes 1 loaf         (I only have 8.5x4.5 pans, and I baked for about 50 mins)

 

Since all the batter was too much for my smaller pan, I made 2 large muffins as well.  I ate one of those while it was warm and it was yummy!  This is moist enough you could sub wheat flour without making it too dry, which I will try next time I have both wheat flour and yucky bananas in the house at the same time!

my head is crowded...

...so I need to get some stuff cleared out to make way for new stuff!

I'm not really sure where to start, or even if this will come together in a way that will make any sense.  But...that won't be the first time that has happened!  I had the opportunity last weekend to speak to a old friend that I hadn't talked to in over 30 years.  I think my muddled head has something to do with that.  Sketching out what the last 30 years has looked like as briefly as possible is like opening boxes in the attic to get a glimpse of what is in them.  The dust tickles your nose and you may cough a bit.  It's interesting to see what has been packed away, but if it is just "stuff you want to keep but don't need every day", it has to be packed back away so the lid shuts well.  But once you've seen it and touched it, it stays on your mind for awhile.  Or something like that.

On top of that, it was Valentines week.  I have some friends that hate it, and some that were doing the "singles awareness" thing.  I believe that is what really got my head spinning!  I believe in long term, lasting forever love.  It is what I wanted more than anything, but it was not to be.  Just because I have been through a divorce does not mean I still don't believe in that.  I loved seeing the pictures of roses and sweet notes that were put up on facebook.  I really loved the surprise candlelight pizza dinner on china that one young man set up for his bride of not yet 2 years.  They are building a new home, and he set it up there amid the studs and construction.  That made me smile big!  I love when people profess their love for their spouse, whether it is on facebook or written in the snow or dust or whatever.  I think if we fought as hard FOR our marriages as we do against them sometimes...well we would have something pretty amazing.  I don't need to call it anything other than what it is...Valentines day.  Yup...man made holiday about nothing other than letting those you love know it and sharing it with others.  It doesn't have to be a spouse.  So what if you are single...isn't there someone you love enough to make them feel special??  Do you tell them everyday?  Good for you!!  Still doesn't mean you have to boycott the whole day.  Or that you can't boycott it quietly.

moving on.......but not far..........

Why has this affected me so deeply?  Much has happened this week that has made me just SO thankful.  A sweet baby girl that started her life out with an uphill battle got to go home from the hospital and learn what it's like at her new home...with a mama that has been by her side and away from that same home for about 2 months.  Another little guy that is almost a year old is going home from the hospital for the first time in his life.  I learned that a little 6 year old girl had a clear MRI after 2 bouts of brain cancer.  And then there were hard things.  A young woman my daughter played softball with lost her life this week.  Another child, a 10 year old, that will soon be leaving this earth due to illness.  With each story, my mama's heart was stretched and challenged.  In each case, I think about what the mom must be feeling.  I know dad's are involved too, but being the incubator for a little life makes them a part of you that never goes away.  Their joys are magnified in your heart, and their sorrows hurt you deeply.  Both sometimes in ways that can't be expressed with words...there are only tears to mark the occasion.  Lessons learned...prayers of thanks offered.

I had my television on one night for background noise...HGTV I believe.  Some show about outrageous homes.  I heard them say something about just the knives alone for this large table cost $115,000.00 dollars.  And I just stopped.  First off...it was a big table (I believe it seated 80).  Secondly...it was a big UGLY table!  But it was the cost of the knives that got me.  Knives that will cost just a bit more than the college education I am fighting so hard for.  Then they asked the price of the table...over $300,000.00.  Let me be very clear that if that is what these folks want to spend their money on...more power to them!!  It was just hearing that in the midst of every other thing going through my mind this week that stopped me in my tracks.  Then there was the trying to put it into perspective...but I'm still working on that a bit.

See...I want SO much to be able to finish my degree.  I also want very much to be able to establish nani's house and get busy with the business of bringing joy to those I want to encourage.  There was that little part of my brain that started with the "oh man...what I could do with the 400+ thousand dollars that they spent on a table and knives".  But then the rest of my brain (along with my heart) started the work of helping me to realize that that is not MY story...it is theirs.  My story doesn't have a big ol' table with expensive knives.  I have 3 tables...one I bought at a garage sale for $10, one belonged to my grandmother and is peeling salmon/pink paint all over the spare room and the one that is in my dining room piled with my computer, printer and a ton of books that came from Costco.  That is my story, and just because it didn't cost as much doesn't mean it isn't worth as much.

So I guess the moral of this whole story is this.  Anytime you want to shout your love out for somebody...I am all ears!!  It is valuable information, and the fact that you want to talk about it makes me happy.  I think of the mama's that won't have their kids here to tell them just one more time how much they love them, or the wives/husbands who don't get to have the "traditional" Valentines day.  We all have our own stories to tell, those pieces that make us who we are.  I can have momentary longings about living it a different way, but I really don't want to.  I want to feel every emotion of living MY story the way God has written it.  I don't want to know the ending because I know me well enough to know that I would try to tweak it somehow, and then it wouldn't be the best story.  I want the best one...the one that has been carved out just for me.  the end.

what I've learned...

1st...this is my Daddy wearing his scarf!

 

For reasons we don't even need to talk about...I've learned to be very careful with which posts you want to delete when you are cleaning up the blog.  Dear blogger...make a "retrieve that post" place.  please!!! 

 

I have learned a lot of other things over the past week as well!

 

I learned that nursing school is a lot like grade school (and sometimes kindergarten).  Do you remember those little pills you had to chew after you brushed your teeth to see if you did a good job?  Well in nursing school, it is a neon orange liquid that you rub on your hands before you wash.  Then you get to hold your hands under a black light to see how you did.  It feels a bit like a contest, but I did good!  Instead of your mom timing your brushing time, it is the professor or your classmates (at least 15 seconds).  Instead of it being about cavities, it is about staph.  It's not about allowance...it's about grades!  Pass or fail.  Did your shirt touch the sink counter?  You are either a good hand washer, or you aren't.  And did you know your wrists were part of hand washing?  yeah...me either!

 

I practiced (hate to say learned yet) making a bed with someone in it.  This would have been good knowledge for when the kids were teens! :)  I apologize to my classmate for making you roll over the wad of sheets, and I will strive to remember to move to the other side next time before rolling you over.  And don't shake the pillow.  Or forget the toe pleat!

 

I learned that there is no possible way on Gods' green earth to read and comprehend the massive amount of assigned text/journal/online reading that is assigned every week.  no. possible. way.  I also wonder if the professors have had hidden nanny cams installed in our homes to record the look on our faces when we get the weeks' assignments, write them down and can SEE how much we have to do.  I think they have, and I further believe they play the footage at staff meetings and laugh and laugh!!  Then they eat cupcakes.

 

I have come to believe that camera phones are one of the greatest inventions ever!  You can be hours into homework, reading until your eyes are blurry, and get a picture of one of the grands sitting nekkid on the potty chair!  Suddenly, your perspective is changed...day made!  Or you can get a picture like the one up top, and your heart is happy/full while your eyes leak.  Perspective changed.  Use your camera phone to make someones day...it matters more than you think!  applying "good nani" boundaries by not posting the nekkid little picture!!

 

Facebook is a fun place on your birthday! :)  Except when you don't hear from someone you wanted to...that can be sad.  Just being real.  Facebook can also be ugly.  I don't like it when people repost those candid pics with kids that have profanity on them.  Is that really what you want to use cute pictures of kids for??  Honestly, I used to believe the "innocence of youth" was being lost outside the doors of the home...but now I believe it is being lost too often inside the home.  Another good thing to remember...facebook is part of your resume.  As is Pinterest.  But I won't mention those 10 minute turned to an hour study breaks on Pinterest!

 

I have learned that some people are taking life much too seriously.  There are people all over the world at every minute of the day that are facing life & death experiences.  For all that is life...SMILE!!  Uncross your arms, shake off the attitude and just get on with living in all the blessings you have!  moving on...

 

I came to realize that I am sometimes one of those people. 

 

I developed a deeper dislike (hate really) for the word "judge".  I am a Christian.  If you are too, please judge my actions (not my heart) if they are out of line.  Please.  If you aren't...let's talk.  :)  I am going to mess up every single day.  I don't like it, but I will work on it and move forward.  I am a work in progress.  If you tell me you are a believer, and I point out something that you are doing that isn't right...I'm not "judging" you.  I'm loving you the best way I know how.  And if I am talking to other people about how I think you messed up...that's gossip.  Call me on it.  Please.

 

So I am 3 weeks down with nursing school, and 53 years down with life.  I feel like I am reaching a point where I can finally say that I am good with the "who" I am part.  There are all sorts of parts of me that I want to work on...make better.  Why are we so determined to fight to stay the same sometimes?  I think the hardest thing for me right now is fighting the "things that must be done" and holding back the "things I want to be doing".  There are SO many things I want to be doing right now.  I am finally at a point in life where I get what is most important...and it isn't me!  So I'm just going to continue living my life for an audience of One...and that is all.

 

first day in scrubs :)

I don't know what is more amazing,

that I took this picture...

or that I'm posting it!

 

 

 

 



it's a colorful life...

it is finished :)

 

I've spent quite a bit of time over the last few days working on my "year in stitches" scarf.  It was hard to stick with it yesterday because I had volunteered overnight at Ronald McDonald house, and sadly, I really can't sleep while I'm there.  So I find myself needing a nap most of the following day.  Sitting on the couch with knitting needles in hand led to a couple of unplanned naps :) 

 

I was keeping one eye on my knitting, one eye on the clock and one eye on the Hallmark channel!  Yes...I did have to backtrack and fix a couple of mistakes because I had my eyes on one thing and not the other at the right time!  About 11 p.m. I was just starting into that last blue row on the right side.  I had a "sort of" plan for the ending, but was making it up as I went along.  I had started the year with 20 rows of a K4/P4 pattern, and planned to finish with 12 rows of the same.  I wanted a transition into the last 12...kind of a reflection space (that's the tweedy whitish block after the blue), and I decided to make that part of the pattern as well.  When the last stitch was cast off, and my needles were free, I looked at the clock...12:02 :)  I think that worked out very well!

 

I still had most of the ends to weave in, and I had thought I would just leave that for today.  But...I tend to put things off, and I wanted to finish this project.  I ended up weaving in until almost 2:30 a.m., but in looking at my effort this morning (late morning), I am glad I stayed up to get it done!  That was the easy part.  The deeper part was the reflection of looking back at it, and then in looking forward for it!

 

It is such a testament to the last year of my life!  I started out the year focused on my goals and ready to make them happen.  I like how in looking at the scarf, that is the time the knitting is random.  It moves from one color to the next without a pattern...don't think, just do.  Then things started getting crazy, and I put the scarf aside.  I was still jotting entries in my date book to go back and catch up.  As I previously wrote about, that lasted until May 31st when life got really crazy!  I'm not sure of the exact date I put the project aside, but it was sometime in April.  I didn't go back and "catch up" when I picked it back up in November because that somehow seemed wrong.  Yes, I know it's "just a scarf".  But it's not really, and I can't explain that if you don't get it :)

 

Now the question became...what do I DO with it?  I have mulled that around a lot!  I went to sleep with it on my mind last night, and it has occupied my thoughts a lot today as well.  There is a part of me that wants to keep it.  But the spirit of the project was to share my life with someone else.  It came to me about an hour ago...which made me cry, and now makes my heart sing :)

 

My Dad will be 81 years old on the 16th of this month.  There were times back around November that I wasn't sure he would make it until Thanksgiving (when we were planning a trip there). Then, as he has done many times, he got a little stronger.  He was even able to get out of bed for a time to join us for Thanksgiving dinner!    Then he got bad again during finals week, and the call came from my Mom that she had called in hospice care.  Then he seemed to stabilize a bit.  Now we are in a new year, and he is still hanging in there and I wish I could be closer so I could just sit and read the newspaper to him again (it's hard reading the comics to someone...makes them even funnier!).  I want to be able to give him a hug and let him know that I love him.  I can't do that right now...but I CAN send him a colorful birthday gift that he can wrap around his shoulders.  And that is what I will do.

Life can be messy, and my life & relationship with my parents has not been a smooth sail.  But in the end, when you get to be a growed up person, you realize that people do the best they can with what they are given.  You decide that you don't live in that part of your past any longer, and you keep your eyes looking forward.  No one is more proud of me and my achievements at school right now than my parents.  It means a lot to my daddy, and no matter what has come before...I am more his little girl now then ever before.  He needs a warm, colorful hug for his birthday...and that is what he shall get!  that is all!