...with 10 being stepping on a Lego barefoot, how are you feeling?
I was reminded again last night how long it had been since I had actually posted a blog entry. I have started several, and this morning the last of the drafts was deleted. I have mentioned before that it is hardest for me to write when I have too much to say. That is how it has been for a long time...too much for one post, not sure how to divide it all up. Life is a whirlwind of much. So here, now, on the 18th day of January, I am making a revolution (not a typo) to get this one done and posted...no matter how it ends up.
What does that have to do with stepping barefooted on Lego's? One of the tools I have learned in nursing school that I seem to be applying to many aspects of my life is the pain scale. We have been taught to ask this of our patients, even children are asked to look at a visual chart to pick out the "pain face" that they most feel like. You have to nail it down so it can be charted. This is easier to do when you have an actual physical injury...and oh so much harder to do when it is your heart or spirit that feels broken.
In the group of people that I consider friends, there are so many of them hurting right now I sometimes feel complete despair with my lack of ability to "fix them". I know of 4 broken marriages in one state or another of disarray. Parents struggling with painful things with adult children, and parents struggling to find the best way to raise young ones. Friends with cancer, and friends with parents with cancer. Friends grieving loss. Friends that feel betrayed by those they thought would never betray them...friends that are lonely to the point of despair. So much pain...barefoot Lego pain.
I find myself stepping in and out of questioning my faith. Not my absolute belief in God...not that at all. But a fist pounding, foot stomping, taking too long to speak up when others say "where is God in all of this" kind of questioning. I wish I could say I hadn't been here before, but then again, I'm o.k. with saying I've been here before. I think it is in the questioning and then the absolute knowing that my faith is strengthened. I've been the one crying out for a broken marriage to be made whole again. I'm the sister to an adult child out of control, the one grieving loss and the one betrayed...friendships gone. Forgiveness asked for and not received. I know the kind of pain that would say walking away from faith in a God that allows such things to continue would be the right thing to do. But giving up on that kind of love isn't something I want to comprehend the ability to do.
There was a time in my walk that I was one that would say "when I get to heaven, I have some questions to ask God!". I grew past that to an all encompassing faith that knows that when I get to heaven, there will be no more questions. The feeling of loss and betrayal...the pain of broken will be gone and I will only care about falling on my face and being overwhelmed with the kind of love I could only imagine before being in Its' presence. Where I will sing at the top of my voice for eternity and not worry about being off key or overheard. Where I will see face to face what unconditional truly means. That is why I will not walk away.
This realization, of course, changes nothing in reality. Except me. I'm still on the same walk, wanting to be able to fix what is broken with my love or my words. I will still fall quite short in many of the lives I wish I could touch. But I will not walk away. I have also found it healthier for me not to chase that which will. But I know that I will grieve the loss of those and continue to wonder if maybe I should try one more time? I've been told that I see things differently than most people. I've also been told that I over think. So...it is possible that those two things go hand in hand. I try so hard to not apologize for that anymore, and try equally as hard to embrace it. Jesus asks me to come to him with the faith as that of a child. Children question and get mad...but at the end of it, they run at you for a hug and a messy kiss. That may be too simple a love for some to understand, but that encompasses my faith...packages it up neatly and ties it with a pretty bow. My Father knows what is best for me in order to grow me into the kind of daughter that brings Him delight...and His is the only opinion I value completely at the end of the day.
As I started writing this post, I had no idea what it would be. I only knew that it was time to write. As I finish this up, I see clearly what it needed to be. So mostly, I guess this ones for me :) I am a selfish girl...
**Todd Agnew...if you read this, I think you need to rewrite the Grace Like Rain song. The chorus should say "grace like rain pours down on me". Fall down sounds accidental, and I can only see grace as an intentional pouring. yes, yes I really do think a lot about all things....
