Why is it sometimes so hard to get the words out of your mouth? They fall from your brain out onto your tongue and then they just lay there...waiting for you to just say it. Speak what is on your heart. Don't worry about how it will be received. Just start talking!
I have had several instances in my recent past where I have remained silent, and I sometimes will leave a conversation (or a non-conversation) feeling like a coward. My intention isn't to be afraid to speak what my heart longs to get out there, in fact, I want very much to be the kind of person that can graciously say what is on their mind when they want to. I don't like conflict, but I'm trying to learn to not run from it anymore. I spent years running from things I didn't want to face...but I didn't ever get very far.
Some people are very good at speaking their minds, regardless of how much pain it might cost the other person. I was having a conversation with someone I love recently, and I said it isn't always necessary to speak what is on your mind. The answer to that was "I am entitled to my opinion"...to which I said yes...you are. But it is o.k. for it to remain your opinion silently. Especially if giving the opinion won't change things, but will possibly make the situation worse.
How do you know? Once the words are out, they can't be retracted. You can always apologize...but you can't ever take it back. When you throw a stone into the water, rings emanate out from where it entered...the rings fade away, but the rock is still in there. I had an instance once when I told someone I loved them, and I got silence in return. The words had been given to a friend as a gift, and having it returned unopened was painful. It remains, after all these years, a wound that even now stings. I question still whether I regret giving that gift of words, and even though it does still hurt to not have them acknowledged...I wouldn't want to take them back.
I know I recently posted about the power of our words, but the ones we don't say can have just as much power. I guess I would rather err on the side of caution rather than hurt someone by speaking something that should remain unspoken. But I admit this is one area of life that I wish came with a script. Something along the lines of "this is a conversation that needs to be" or "just talk it out with yourself when you get home". I don't like wondering...or worse yet knowing that I needed to speak up and didn't.
Again...I'm not sure of the point of this :) I had my heart tweaked today by hearing of some words that were delivered in a callous and hurtful way, and it caused me to think about my own actions. I guess all that I can do is to continue to try to act like a grown up that knows how to interact with the people around me. Maybe one day it will become more clear! the end.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Sunday, November 18, 2012
a life in progress...
It's Thanksgiving week, which means December is nearly here...which means that the end of the year is fast approaching! I had many plans and goals for this year, and sadly, several of them are not going to be met.
One of the things I started in January was my "year in stitches" project. The plan was to chronicle the year in a knit scarf, with different colors signifying different events (blue for sun, gray for clouds, gold for awesome...). At the end of the year, my plan was that I was going to get some sort of dinner and wrap the scarf around it and give it to one of the homeless in Missoula. Food for their tummy and a scarf for warmth. To that end, I was making it wide so it would actually do some good. I love the idea of this project, but the implementation of it fell a little flat.
This is what I have...
It is a very interesting chronicle indeed! If it wasn't so sad to me...I could probably laugh it off! But the fact of the matter is, I probably haven't added to it since around the end of April. I kept recording the weather until here...
...then it looks like I gave up.
As I look back over the year that has nearly passed, it seems that a lot of things "stopped" at the end of May! May 31st there was a little "cloudy" notation. June 1st was my 2nd test in the summer Chemistry class I had to take...when I started feeling really overwhelmed and felt I was certain to fail. I will just add that I ended up with and "A" in Chem (which was NOT an easy task)...but I set expectations for myself that can be a bit consuming.
I can look back and see that the last run I did for the half marathon I was training for was my last 6 mile run on May 20th. The day before my Chem class started. After that date, I have runs penciled into my schedule...and then crossed off. Though I did a few shorter runs as the half got close, I never got back on schedule. I have notations of the weather or events that I wanted to add to my scarf but not done. Followed by notes to call an antique dealer to sell furniture I didn't want to sell to make a move I didn't want to make. See a snowball effect going here?
I gave up. Instead of staying the course on living an intentionally purposeful life, I caved into old patterns and just survived. How many times do you need to start to change until you can succeed? How many times will I need to implement change before it sticks? I don't know...I really don't. The health goals I set for myself will not be met. I did the half marathon, but it took a chunk out of me (mostly off the bottoms of me feet!). :) My scarf languishes in a basket of skeins of yarn that should be nearly gone. The grade goals I set for myself for this semester appear out of reach...time management plans all but abandoned.
What is the point of this? I think I was reminded about value this morning. I was convicted to look at where I am investing my treasure. Most of the worldly goals I set for myself have gone up in a puff of smoke. But I have found a new church, and I like the heart of who I am much better than I did a year ago. And those things weren't on my "list". :) Maybe that is the point. I must focus on what truly matters in order for the rest of it to make any sense! I need to just continue to breathe and know that if what I am doing for the Lord is in line with His plan, He will see to the rest. Relationships will never be perfect. Finanaces will be short. I will choose ice cream for dinner over a salad. But who do I rely on for the source of my strength? Because if it's me...I'm in trouble!
The next couple of weeks hold goals that must be met in order for the path I am walking on not to end in a brick wall. I am trying not to stress out about it...just do my part. SO hard! I've come up against brick walls in the past and know they usually aren't fatal. So...focus on the One that knows. And maybe I'll spend a little time trying to add some length to that scarf in whatever color pattern I choose...because that will make my heart smile. the end
One of the things I started in January was my "year in stitches" project. The plan was to chronicle the year in a knit scarf, with different colors signifying different events (blue for sun, gray for clouds, gold for awesome...). At the end of the year, my plan was that I was going to get some sort of dinner and wrap the scarf around it and give it to one of the homeless in Missoula. Food for their tummy and a scarf for warmth. To that end, I was making it wide so it would actually do some good. I love the idea of this project, but the implementation of it fell a little flat.
This is what I have...
...then it looks like I gave up.
As I look back over the year that has nearly passed, it seems that a lot of things "stopped" at the end of May! May 31st there was a little "cloudy" notation. June 1st was my 2nd test in the summer Chemistry class I had to take...when I started feeling really overwhelmed and felt I was certain to fail. I will just add that I ended up with and "A" in Chem (which was NOT an easy task)...but I set expectations for myself that can be a bit consuming.
I can look back and see that the last run I did for the half marathon I was training for was my last 6 mile run on May 20th. The day before my Chem class started. After that date, I have runs penciled into my schedule...and then crossed off. Though I did a few shorter runs as the half got close, I never got back on schedule. I have notations of the weather or events that I wanted to add to my scarf but not done. Followed by notes to call an antique dealer to sell furniture I didn't want to sell to make a move I didn't want to make. See a snowball effect going here?
I gave up. Instead of staying the course on living an intentionally purposeful life, I caved into old patterns and just survived. How many times do you need to start to change until you can succeed? How many times will I need to implement change before it sticks? I don't know...I really don't. The health goals I set for myself will not be met. I did the half marathon, but it took a chunk out of me (mostly off the bottoms of me feet!). :) My scarf languishes in a basket of skeins of yarn that should be nearly gone. The grade goals I set for myself for this semester appear out of reach...time management plans all but abandoned.
What is the point of this? I think I was reminded about value this morning. I was convicted to look at where I am investing my treasure. Most of the worldly goals I set for myself have gone up in a puff of smoke. But I have found a new church, and I like the heart of who I am much better than I did a year ago. And those things weren't on my "list". :) Maybe that is the point. I must focus on what truly matters in order for the rest of it to make any sense! I need to just continue to breathe and know that if what I am doing for the Lord is in line with His plan, He will see to the rest. Relationships will never be perfect. Finanaces will be short. I will choose ice cream for dinner over a salad. But who do I rely on for the source of my strength? Because if it's me...I'm in trouble!
The next couple of weeks hold goals that must be met in order for the path I am walking on not to end in a brick wall. I am trying not to stress out about it...just do my part. SO hard! I've come up against brick walls in the past and know they usually aren't fatal. So...focus on the One that knows. And maybe I'll spend a little time trying to add some length to that scarf in whatever color pattern I choose...because that will make my heart smile. the end
Monday, November 12, 2012
Pumpkin Oatmeal Raisin cookies
So...since I am still avoiding my books like the plague! Here is a cookie recipe I came up with :) I looked at several, and none were quite what I wanted. So...I "this & that'd" my way to these!
Pumpkin Oatmeal Raisin Cookies
Cream together:
1 1/2 c. butter (3 sticks)
1 c. pumpkin puree (not pumpkin pie mix)
1 1/2 c. packed brown sugar
1 c. sugar
Add:
4 eggs
2 t. vanilla
Combine & add:
5 c. all purpose flour
2 t. baking soda
1/2 ish t. salt (I don't like to taste the salt in cookies...your mileage may vary)
2 t. cinnamon
Add:
6 c. old fashioned oats
1 c. raisins
Drop by spoonfuls onto an ungreased cookie sheet. Bake 10ish minutes, depending on the size of your cookie. I haven't baked these all yet, but this is a big recipe! If you don't want a ton of cookies to share...you might want to cut it down a bit! :)
I like soft, plump cookies...and that is exactly how these turned out! They should be really sweet, but the overall flavor is pumpkin! I hate to say so myself...but I think they are yummy!! Enjoy!!
Pumpkin Oatmeal Raisin Cookies
Cream together:
1 1/2 c. butter (3 sticks)
1 c. pumpkin puree (not pumpkin pie mix)
1 1/2 c. packed brown sugar
1 c. sugar
Add:
4 eggs
2 t. vanilla
Combine & add:
5 c. all purpose flour
2 t. baking soda
1/2 ish t. salt (I don't like to taste the salt in cookies...your mileage may vary)
2 t. cinnamon
Add:
6 c. old fashioned oats
1 c. raisins
Drop by spoonfuls onto an ungreased cookie sheet. Bake 10ish minutes, depending on the size of your cookie. I haven't baked these all yet, but this is a big recipe! If you don't want a ton of cookies to share...you might want to cut it down a bit! :)
I like soft, plump cookies...and that is exactly how these turned out! They should be really sweet, but the overall flavor is pumpkin! I hate to say so myself...but I think they are yummy!! Enjoy!!
the power of words...
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about words. Too much thinking! I feel like I need to dump all the words in my head out so I can have room for other things...like the exams I need to be studying for!
The power that our words hold can be amazingly wonderful, and fearfully dangerous. Some folks throw around negative words without a thought, feeling they have every right to express how they are feeling and you just need to adapt. Still others refuse to speak the words they so desperately want to out of fear of reprisal. There are those who will write words they could never say in public (read any comment stream on a hot bed post or news article pretty much anywhere)...free to throw their weight around as long as no one knows who they are. Opinions are a dime a dozen. Every one has one, and most are free to share theirs. The other side of that coin is, there are those who would prefer you didn't share yours, and will use their words or non words to let you know.
We will go far to defend our right to our own opinion. I was in class the other day, and there were some guys talking in their normal voices while the professor was speaking (class size probably about 200). The professor is a female, and she has a fairly quiet voice. We couldn't hear at all...so I shushed them. Big mistake. They not only proceeded to talk more, they started talking to their friends a few rows behind them. I got a look that let me know I was the 2 headed witch without a clue, and the rest of the class was a waste of time.
Once words are spoken, they can't ever be taken back. You can apologize or make an effort to explain them more fully, but they can never be undone. It is the same with words that are left unspoken. You may be given another chance to put a voice behind your thoughts, but you may not. There is a song with the lyrics "words said in anger aimed at someone, are hard to take back once the damage is done"...I would say they are impossible to take back, but I have been accused of letting my mind work overtime and making too much out of things. More words that can't be forgotten...
Have you ever told someone you loved them and gotten silence back in return? The pain of those non words is carried a long time. Waited for a "thank you" that never came? Even though we shouldn't do things with the expectation of thanks...not giving thanks when you are on the receiving end is just rude. Of course, there are times when there just aren't the right words to speak to someone in pain, then the best form of non verbal communication is just a hug. Unless the recipient isn't a "hugger"...then you may just make things worse :)
We are a complex lot!!
I'm not sure this post has a point. I have just heard so many things lately that have filled my head with questions about why we say the things we do. Walking across campus the other day while following a group of young men, I wanted to go "nani"on them and ask them to just get to the point without the profanity. Their conversation could have been done in 5 steps. I'm pretty sure they would have had words for me that would have made an even bigger impact...so I just changed direction.
Have a care with your words, and the attitude you dispense them with. And be truthful, because a lie or gossip spoken is the worst kind of ugly. In the words of the Sunday school song ... "be careful little mouth what you say". The end.
The power that our words hold can be amazingly wonderful, and fearfully dangerous. Some folks throw around negative words without a thought, feeling they have every right to express how they are feeling and you just need to adapt. Still others refuse to speak the words they so desperately want to out of fear of reprisal. There are those who will write words they could never say in public (read any comment stream on a hot bed post or news article pretty much anywhere)...free to throw their weight around as long as no one knows who they are. Opinions are a dime a dozen. Every one has one, and most are free to share theirs. The other side of that coin is, there are those who would prefer you didn't share yours, and will use their words or non words to let you know.
We will go far to defend our right to our own opinion. I was in class the other day, and there were some guys talking in their normal voices while the professor was speaking (class size probably about 200). The professor is a female, and she has a fairly quiet voice. We couldn't hear at all...so I shushed them. Big mistake. They not only proceeded to talk more, they started talking to their friends a few rows behind them. I got a look that let me know I was the 2 headed witch without a clue, and the rest of the class was a waste of time.
Once words are spoken, they can't ever be taken back. You can apologize or make an effort to explain them more fully, but they can never be undone. It is the same with words that are left unspoken. You may be given another chance to put a voice behind your thoughts, but you may not. There is a song with the lyrics "words said in anger aimed at someone, are hard to take back once the damage is done"...I would say they are impossible to take back, but I have been accused of letting my mind work overtime and making too much out of things. More words that can't be forgotten...
Have you ever told someone you loved them and gotten silence back in return? The pain of those non words is carried a long time. Waited for a "thank you" that never came? Even though we shouldn't do things with the expectation of thanks...not giving thanks when you are on the receiving end is just rude. Of course, there are times when there just aren't the right words to speak to someone in pain, then the best form of non verbal communication is just a hug. Unless the recipient isn't a "hugger"...then you may just make things worse :)
We are a complex lot!!
I'm not sure this post has a point. I have just heard so many things lately that have filled my head with questions about why we say the things we do. Walking across campus the other day while following a group of young men, I wanted to go "nani"on them and ask them to just get to the point without the profanity. Their conversation could have been done in 5 steps. I'm pretty sure they would have had words for me that would have made an even bigger impact...so I just changed direction.
Have a care with your words, and the attitude you dispense them with. And be truthful, because a lie or gossip spoken is the worst kind of ugly. In the words of the Sunday school song ... "be careful little mouth what you say". The end.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
why do you give?
One of the most disheartening things I have read in the past couple of days were people saying they were done with donations. The thought was that if folks wanted the government to take care of them, they could get what they needed that way. I don't understand that line of thinking. In fact, it felt like a stab in the heart.
I want to ask why you give?
Nothing gives me greater joy! I feel like I get way more in return than in any way it might give help to others. Just knowing that you have given a moment of happiness to someone who probably needed it so desperately...how can you give that up because of world events? I understand not being able to afford to do a lot, but there are so many things you can do for very little money that will still mean the world to someone.
One of my favorite charities this time of year is Operation Christmas Child.
Collection week this year is next week! November 12th-19th. If you haven't ever filled a shoebox, or you aren't sure where to drop one off, here is the link for Samaritan's Purse with all the info you need! http://www.samaritanspurse.org/index.php I did this last year with my 2 oldest grands, and hope we can do it again this year. It is a great lesson for them!
There are several things I like to do locally that are very low cost. The amount you spend isn't what is important! Just take the time to DO something. From your heart! Not as a form of revenge or to think it makes you a better person! Just be involved...reach out!
It's time to get our heads on straight! Do what you can to be part of positive change. If something of this magnitude is allowed to change the core of who you are, perhaps you need to take a 2nd look in the mirror. Love your family...reach out!
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." Edmund Burke
I want to ask why you give?
Nothing gives me greater joy! I feel like I get way more in return than in any way it might give help to others. Just knowing that you have given a moment of happiness to someone who probably needed it so desperately...how can you give that up because of world events? I understand not being able to afford to do a lot, but there are so many things you can do for very little money that will still mean the world to someone.
One of my favorite charities this time of year is Operation Christmas Child.
There are several things I like to do locally that are very low cost. The amount you spend isn't what is important! Just take the time to DO something. From your heart! Not as a form of revenge or to think it makes you a better person! Just be involved...reach out!
It's time to get our heads on straight! Do what you can to be part of positive change. If something of this magnitude is allowed to change the core of who you are, perhaps you need to take a 2nd look in the mirror. Love your family...reach out!
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." Edmund Burke
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
the promise of a new day...
I was a little later to school this morning than usual, and this is the reason why...
I wasn't especially happy about the way our election turned out. To those that know me, I'm sure that isn't a huge surprise. So many of the policies and beliefs of the current administration go against what I believe to be true & right & good. But I was making an effort to put aside being upset, and keeping my eyes and my heart focused on who I am in the scheme of things.
As I left my apartment heading to school (on time at this point), I started to notice that things just seemed "rosey"! Then I noticed that the skies overhead were so incredibly beautiful! I had to pull over and grab my camera because it felt like a teachable moment :) It felt like a promise to me, much in the same way that a rainbow is a promise. There were all these really dark clouds, but the bottoms of them were beautiful shades of pink :)
I seriously sat parked in my car for like what seemed forever, but I'm sure was about 5 minutes. I kept snapping picture after picture as the sky just seemed to keep changing. And my heart started to feel more hope. Not that things are suddenly going to get all "fine", but that it isn't a hopeless situation. The same God of yesterday was still in control. He was not surprised by the outcome of the election. It may or may not have been the candidate of His choice being elected...but if it was not His choice, He has allowed it. And that is all I need to know.
I've witnessed a lot of name calling and garbage from quite a few people already today. I can't imagine much else gives satan more glee than having us in a beat down, whining & complaining state. I refuse to give him the satisfaction. To quote what used to be one of my favorite TV football coaches "clear eyes, full heart...can't lose". Even if the outcome of the game is not in your favor, if you keep your heart & eyes focused on the Maker of the skies...you can't lose what is most important.
not from this morning...but I love the glory rays!
Saturday, November 3, 2012
the birth of a dream...
It is sometimes scary sharing your heart. And in this instance...sharing a dream that is SO big it can't possibly happen without God's hand on it...well, that's even scarier! But the reality is, I believe in this SO strongly, and my heart is so filled with the possibility of it...I want to talk about it! First, a little background might help.
Many, many years ago I had a dream of opening a Bed & Breakfast. There were talks of porches, pumpkin patches and much recipe testing of muffins and such. That dream turned into just a small collection of cookbooks! Years later, I had a dream of having a coffee shop where I could bake and put those recipes I had worked on to good use! That one didn't turn out to be reality either...though I enjoyed the dreaming of it very much!
It was in the going through my Mom's breast cancer with her 3 years ago that I felt like I was being pulled into going back to school to finish the path to becoming a nurse, with the focus on Pediatric Oncology. But I felt incapable of going through what it would take to make that happen. I had just been through the very emotional experience of losing a business that I had put everything I had into. I just wanted quiet and "normal". But God had other plans :)
I try very hard to live my life by my faith. I lived life without it for a long time, and I was miserable. I knew it was the right thing to buy a Christian bookstore in AK. When it was time to walk away from it, an apparent failure by the worlds standards, I knew that was the right thing to do as well. Now I felt God pulling me in a direction I wasn't sure I wanted to go. I wanted to make coffee and bake cookies & cupcakes!! This seemed like it was the door slamming on yet another dream...but I moved forward and entered college because I knew it was right. I don't know how I knew...I just did.
The path that has been my college education has not been a smooth sail by any stretch of the imagination! It is hard work! When you reach the point of your life when you are a grandma (nani) and what you really want to do is play with the grands and bake cookies & such...studying and going to classes and taking exams is not quite the trade off I was seeking! I've actually changed paths within the path several times...which has led to more classes than I would have needed. Because of some bad information and some reverse decision making, my prereqs have taken 3 years to get done. If this semester goes well, I will be starting the actual nursing program portion of this journey and hopefully graduating with a Bachelor's degree in 2015. Which will make me 56 years old. I've been wondering how that's going to work out for me...a lot!
Then enters the dream! The realization for this came smacking into me after a particularly pathetic time of prayer. More like a gripe session with God along the lines of "what are You thinking???". Then wham! There is was! It was all my past desires rolled into one big picture that is overwhelming with the possibility of it! Does it seem like I am stalling actually putting words to it? I am. But I've tiptoed around it long enough, so here goes....
I want to establish a non-profit retreat for cancer families. It will be a place where they can come for a short stay and be loved on. It will be close enough to the hospital that they can be there without a long delay, but far enough away that they will be "away from the hospital". I want enough acreage that we can have great things for them to do! I want a pool and horses and a pond to fish in. I want a big garden so we can feed them wonderful healthy meals. And grow pumpkins for them to carve in the Fall. I want a large room that we can decorate for any special occasion...with tall ceilings for a tall Christmas tree for when they can't get "home" for Christmas. I want to be able to take photos for the families to have forever. And I will bake cookies and cupcakes and birthday cakes and whatever else we need! It will be called nani's house...and it will be a place of rest and peace.
I have no idea where this will go. I do know it gives me a hope for the future that I haven't felt in a long time. There is so much more, but this has gotten frightfully long! There is a long road in front of me with more twists & turns. It's scary...but it's a good scary :)
Many, many years ago I had a dream of opening a Bed & Breakfast. There were talks of porches, pumpkin patches and much recipe testing of muffins and such. That dream turned into just a small collection of cookbooks! Years later, I had a dream of having a coffee shop where I could bake and put those recipes I had worked on to good use! That one didn't turn out to be reality either...though I enjoyed the dreaming of it very much!
It was in the going through my Mom's breast cancer with her 3 years ago that I felt like I was being pulled into going back to school to finish the path to becoming a nurse, with the focus on Pediatric Oncology. But I felt incapable of going through what it would take to make that happen. I had just been through the very emotional experience of losing a business that I had put everything I had into. I just wanted quiet and "normal". But God had other plans :)
I try very hard to live my life by my faith. I lived life without it for a long time, and I was miserable. I knew it was the right thing to buy a Christian bookstore in AK. When it was time to walk away from it, an apparent failure by the worlds standards, I knew that was the right thing to do as well. Now I felt God pulling me in a direction I wasn't sure I wanted to go. I wanted to make coffee and bake cookies & cupcakes!! This seemed like it was the door slamming on yet another dream...but I moved forward and entered college because I knew it was right. I don't know how I knew...I just did.
The path that has been my college education has not been a smooth sail by any stretch of the imagination! It is hard work! When you reach the point of your life when you are a grandma (nani) and what you really want to do is play with the grands and bake cookies & such...studying and going to classes and taking exams is not quite the trade off I was seeking! I've actually changed paths within the path several times...which has led to more classes than I would have needed. Because of some bad information and some reverse decision making, my prereqs have taken 3 years to get done. If this semester goes well, I will be starting the actual nursing program portion of this journey and hopefully graduating with a Bachelor's degree in 2015. Which will make me 56 years old. I've been wondering how that's going to work out for me...a lot!
Then enters the dream! The realization for this came smacking into me after a particularly pathetic time of prayer. More like a gripe session with God along the lines of "what are You thinking???". Then wham! There is was! It was all my past desires rolled into one big picture that is overwhelming with the possibility of it! Does it seem like I am stalling actually putting words to it? I am. But I've tiptoed around it long enough, so here goes....
I want to establish a non-profit retreat for cancer families. It will be a place where they can come for a short stay and be loved on. It will be close enough to the hospital that they can be there without a long delay, but far enough away that they will be "away from the hospital". I want enough acreage that we can have great things for them to do! I want a pool and horses and a pond to fish in. I want a big garden so we can feed them wonderful healthy meals. And grow pumpkins for them to carve in the Fall. I want a large room that we can decorate for any special occasion...with tall ceilings for a tall Christmas tree for when they can't get "home" for Christmas. I want to be able to take photos for the families to have forever. And I will bake cookies and cupcakes and birthday cakes and whatever else we need! It will be called nani's house...and it will be a place of rest and peace.
I have no idea where this will go. I do know it gives me a hope for the future that I haven't felt in a long time. There is so much more, but this has gotten frightfully long! There is a long road in front of me with more twists & turns. It's scary...but it's a good scary :)
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