2012 in the rearview...

I had a thought yesterday that I wanted to write a blog post on my top 12 things from this past year.  I got out a piece of paper to write on...and came up with 3 or 4 things.  I got out my date books and looked back over the past 12 months, and I see that there isn't much outside of school written in them.  So of course, that got me thinking deeper :)

The worldview of this year is focused on school.  That has been the focus for several years!  I thought that the highlight of that would be in applying for, and getting accepted into, the Bachelor's of Nursing program.  But that didn't end up being the case.  Don't get me wrong, the day I got that letter with my acceptance on it...there was dancing!  But I didn't realize at that time that the rest of the semester was going to be such an uphill battle, and that the real war had just started!  The culmination of that acceptance was actually last week in opening my transcript with the updated grades and seeing, in writing, that I had made it.  I was seriously reduced to a puddle on the floor.  And now...I am scared to death!  I got a stethoscope for Christmas, and seeing it about sent me into panic.  Stay tuned :)

Another biggie for me this past year was the Missoula Half Marathon in July.  But that can't be "simple" either!  I trained pretty well in the beginning.  I remember the day I did my first 6 mile run...I was SO excited (and really wiped out!).  Then things started to get interesting with the whole "make nani a nurse project", and my training fell off.  Literally.  Fell off the track.  Shoes in the closet drawing dust.  Chemistry.  ugh.  Should I still try to do it?  I had paid for it already (on New Years Eve just before midnight...promising myself a better me).  So I put it to a vote on facebook...where all the best decisions should be made!  The vote was do it!  So I did.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever, ever done.  The first 6 miles were ok...fun even :)  But after that...not. so. much.  I was offered an out at mile 10 by a very nice paramedic, and the not accepting of that ride still hurts in my left calf muscle every time I stretch it just the wrong way.  I remember very little of the last 3 miles.  I remember people cheering me on, offering encouragement to keep going.  I remember 2 women whom I saw at least 4 times along the course...they were on the bridge that crosses the Clark Fork to the finish line.  I felt like they were "my cheerleaders" along the way.  To hear a complete stranger say they are proud of you, look them in the eye and know they mean it...I wish I had their addresses!  I would have sent a thank you :)  Instead I left them with "no offense, but I glad I won't have to see you again".  But I did it.  Slowly, painfully...I did it!

Facebook.  I know it probably sounds kind of goofy, but it has been one of the best things of this past year!  I have been able to reconnect with old friends, and learn more about new ones.  I get to share pictures of my life, and see their life through the pictures they post.  I have seen weddings, reunions and babies.  Some posts make me laugh, and some make me cry.  I have treasured it all!  I'm not one of those that says you should only post "happy" on facebook.  I have had the privilege to pray through everything from premature babies to cancer.  Friends whose parents are passing.  Life gets messy, so "happy" doesn't always cut it.  I enjoy being a part of every part of the lives of my friends and family.  Do some of the posts make we want to strangle someone?  Umm...yeah.  So what?  Being able to be authentic, posting about a struggle and getting ((hugs))...knowing I'm not in it alone.  Priceless.  Putting up a picture of one of my grands, or a story that makes me laugh, and seeing the response...makes my heart smile :)

Pink October was fun!  Adding to the fun was in being able to drag so many people along with me :)  If you were around in October, you became adept at helping me spot "pink things" to photograph.  Ahhh....I have some very patient friends :)   Just yesterday I found out where this coffee came from!!  I will support them next year!!  Thanks again to the stranger that allowed me to take a photo of his coffee cup :)

I got to make a trip to Oregon for Thanksgiving with my kids.  I will always hold the memory of one of the littles "ducking" under the bridges so we didn't bonk our heads :)  3 year olds are very observant!  Although my dad's health continues to fail, and the trip was stressful in that regard, it remains a highlight. 




Picking out some of my favorite Christmas songs and sharing them on facebook was fun too!  I also got to discover some new ones.  Cloverton's Hallelujah Christmas still gets played almost daily!!  I am also trying to track down a way that we can order their music to sell where I work...emailed their manager last week.  They are from the UK and are indies...so, hopefully we can work that out!
**just in case you missed it!! :)   Awesome rendition of this song!!




Some of the worst came in December with the tragedy in Newtown, CT and the senseless loss of so many lives.  But even out of that...good came!  It has been so great to be a part of the 26 Acts of Kindness movement!  I hope you all have been moved to reach out to those around you!  It should be a way of life for us every day...we CAN triumph over evil.  One of the greatest gifts I received for Christmas was from my daughter and her family.  They sponsored a family through Salvation Army in my name :)  It still makes me teary eyed!  Do good things!

What will the year ahead bring?  Looking at my schedule...it has all the promise of busy that the last year held.  I'm trying to gather friends to come for marathon weekend in July (I am only planning the 5K this year!)...to run or just to gather.  I hope for more sleepovers with the grands this year than I fit in last year.  But the main focus is joy!  I am blessed, and while it would be easy to focus on the "wrong" in the world...I will not make it my focus.  I will not ignore it either, but it will not take the majority of my energy!  Do good things :)  that is all!

a day spent at the Shack...

I had lots of plans for the day, but after a conversation with a friend this morning they all went out the window.  Instead, I picked up my copy of The Shack and decided to plug in the Christmas tree and spend some time rereading what has become one of my favorite books. 

As we near the end of the year, I'm finding myself doing quite a bit of reflection on the events of the last 12 months.  I don't make resolutions, but year end is a good time to take inventory and just check in with yourself and see what needs more attention in your life (or less attention!). 

"People are tenacious when it comes to the treasure of their imaginary independence.  They hoard & hold their sickness with a firm grip.  They find their identity and worth in their brokenness and guard it with every ounce of strength they have.  No wonder grace has such little attraction.  In that sense you have tried to lock the door of your heart from the inside."  This is so true.  It is so easy to fall into the trap of letting our circumstances (past & present) determine who we think we are.  We will closely hold hurt or anger in and refuse to let it go.  It is such a waste of life! 

I have been trying so hard to live more intentionally this past year.  In some ways, I think I have succeeded, and in some ways...not :)  I'm not going to say I failed, because I think that even any small thing you do in the right direction is success.  Another one of my favorite passages from the book is this..."if anything matters, then everything matters.  Because you are important, everything you do is important.  Every time you forgive, the universe changes; every time you reach out and touch a heart or a life, the world changes; with every kindness and service, seen or unseen, my purposes are accomplished and nothing will ever be the same again.".  It all matters!

Though this book is a work of fiction, reading it has affected me more personally than any other work of fiction ever has.  I had trouble with it the first time I tried to read it, and put it aside for several days.  But in the end, I was intrigued enough to want to finish it.  For me, it didn't change who I knew God to be, but it opened Him up to me in a way that showed me what a personal relationship was like.

Reading it again now at the end of the year was a good reminder.  The plan for the new year is to continue to work toward being authentic and loving intentionally.  I continue to dream of the possibility of nani's house someday.  As I move forward with my degree (which I get to do!!), that is still a long term focus for me.  It seems like there are lots of doors open right now...what will the focus of my nursing career look like?  Pediatric oncology is still on my radar...and that ties into the long term dream of non-profit work.  I'm also trying to not look too far forward, and to focus on what needs to be done now.

2013 lies in front of us, and the possibilities are endless!  Reach out...enter in to the lives of people around you.  Give thought to the attraction of grace :)

**quoted passages from The Shack by William P. Young

how will life go on?

Like many people around the world, my thoughts have been focused outward the past few days.  Although evil has been around forever, it came at us last Friday in a way that brought a fresh horror.  Evil entered a grade school and took the lives of innocent children.  My thoughts have been coming at me from all different places, and most of them are gut wrenching & soul searching places.

My first thoughts, as I watched the news most of last Friday, were those of a parent and a grand parent.  I wanted to draw my family close and know they were safe, even though we are thousands of miles from Connecticut.  I remembered how I felt on 9/11...desperate to talk to everyone I loved so I could just be sure that they were well.  Knowing that our world was changing in ugly ways...wanting to return to the previous day or hour and make better decisions.  I felt grief for the parents that wouldn't get the chance for another hug or good night kiss.  I watched as some of the pictures started to come up...one with a line of children holding hands as they were led to safety.  That one little girl in blue, crying and scared...I wanted to just scoop her up and hold her until her own parents arrived.

I watched the posts online that said things like "God...hear our cries" and thought...He does.  I wanted to say "hear His, too".  I prayed for those families, and I continue to.  I balked at the questions of "where was God in this?".  I balked at the statements about how we had taken God out of the schools, so we had no right to ask where He was.  I believe with all my heart that He was there.  I believe that He pulled the souls of those children away before they could suffer greatly.  I know they were scared.  I know they were little lives that hadn't yet had the chance to make their own way.  But I also know they are in a place of peace & joy unrivaled right now.  My parents heart also knows that there isn't enough comfort in that to get through dark nights, but my heart of faith prays that one day it will be.

I've watched all the posts on facebook about our 2nd amendment rights.  I've been frustrated at some of the misinformation as well, but that happens all the time.  There have been quotes associated with "famous people" that they didn't really say.  There has been a speech that was made by the father of one of the kids killed at Columbine...sensationalized and reposted with error.  I have again thought that there are people in our world that have way too much time on their hands, that prey on us in our weakest moments and then sit back and watch the fruit of their labors.  I'm for our right to keep & bear arms, don't misunderstand.  I am armed, though I don't know if I could use it to protect myself...and I really don't ever want to find out.  I could have used it to protect a room full of children.  That I do know. 

My thoughts then went to the place where Christmas comes next week.  My heart of faith feels that it is no coincidence that evil has timed this tragedy for this time.  Our hearts have been pulled away, even if for a moment, from the miracle of the birth we celebrate.  I think evil has perfect timing to keep us unbalanced.  Does that make the miracle of Jesus' birth any less important?  Not at all.  But this has caused some of those who believe to question.  When that happens, evil scores a small victory.  Not an all out win, because I've read the end of the book and I know that he doesn't get the Victory.  But even small successes make me mad.

Then yesterday, I read about a movement that was starting and found the facebook page...hope swelled in me :)  26 Acts of Kindness was just what I needed to get heart moving in another direction.  When I first went to their page, just over 3,000 people had "liked" it.  This morning, as I write this post, it is just over 13,000!  Each person saying they will extend an act of kindness to at least 26 others to honor each of the lives taken.  That is more than 338,000 moments of Victory!  That is where I want to focus my energy right now.  Tell evil to take a hike with me...reach out in intentional acts of kindness.  Merry Christmas :)

losing my identity...

I had a little scare this morning.  I was checking my purse to make sure I had my keys & turning my phone off (so I didn't forget later) and was heading to church.  It seemed like something was missing...and then I noticed my wallet was gone.  I grabbed my backpack that I use for school thinking I must have left it in there, but it wasn't there.  I stood in the middle of my living room and started to mentally retrace my steps.  When was the last time I had it?  I remembered that I had taken it out at Ronald McDonald house (I volunteered for the overnight on Friday) and had gotten change to buy a bottle of water.  I thought I had put it back in my purse...but it wasn't there.

I made the decision to head to church, and on the way I called RMH to see if it had been found.  The director was there and answered the phone.  He went and looked around for it, and got back on the phone and told me he didn't see it anywhere.  It was then I began to have a little moment of panic.  Anyone "borrowing" my wallet wouldn't get far :)  I think I have 3 dollars and some change in it.  What I most worried about was my driver's license and what a pain it would be to replace that.  My debit card was in there too, but again...nobody is getting very far by breaking into my bank account! 

As I was sitting in church, it occurred to me that I may have thrown it into my overnight bag instead of my purse since they were sitting near each other on Friday night.  Sure enough, when I got home I checked and there it was!  I was relieved to not have to add recreating my wallet to the list of things I currently have to do.  I've never had to do that, though I have a couple of friends who have had theirs stolen that did.  It wasn't at the top of the list of fun things to do!!

Though needing to replace important items from my wallet would have been a pain, it would have been much easier to do that than it has been to recreate my identity as a Christian.  I don't know if God would say that I had lost my identity, but that is how it felt when I stopped attending church for a bit.  I didn't feel like I wasn't a Christian anymore, but I also knew I wasn't who I needed to be.  Please don't misunderstand the fact that I say I am "recreating" myself to mean that I am making myself something I'm not.  Well...that's not really right.  I guess it is more like I am allowing Christ to make me over from something I don't want to be.  I don't want to live a casual life.  That's the part of my identity I most want recreated. 

We have a new Pastor at our church, and he is in the process of shaking things up!  I like it, because one of the things he is most focused on is knocking us out of living so casually.  Today he started a new series on the book of James, and it was a good reminder that we haven't been called to an easy life.  That won't make much sense to anyone who isn't a Christian (but I figure most probably aren't still reading this anyway) :)   It has long been one of the biggest problems I have with "mega" preachers...they preach prosperity and how everything will be sunshine & roses if you just surrender yourself to Jesus.  Ummm... NOT! 

Anyway...I still have my drivers' license to say who I "am"...my physical identity is safe.  My spiritual identity is not in question either..even though it changes constantly and may not appear "safe" to the outside world.  I am a child of God.  the end.

words I didn't say...

Why is it sometimes so hard to get the words out of your mouth?  They fall from your brain out onto your tongue and then they just lay there...waiting for you to just say it.  Speak what is on your heart.  Don't worry about how it will be received.  Just start talking!

I have had several instances in my recent past where I have remained silent, and I sometimes will leave a conversation (or a non-conversation) feeling like a coward.  My intention isn't to be afraid to speak what my heart longs to get out there, in fact, I want very much to be the kind of person that can graciously say what is on their mind when they want to.  I don't like conflict, but I'm trying to learn to not run from it anymore.  I spent years running from things I didn't want to face...but I didn't ever get very far. 

Some people are very good at speaking their minds, regardless of how much pain it might cost the other person.  I was having a conversation with someone I love recently, and I said it isn't always necessary to speak what is on your mind.  The answer to that was "I am entitled to my opinion"...to which I said yes...you are.  But it is o.k. for it to remain your opinion silently.  Especially if giving the opinion won't change things, but will possibly make the situation worse. 

How do you know?  Once the words are out, they can't be retracted.  You can always apologize...but you can't ever take it back.  When you throw a stone into the water, rings emanate out from where it entered...the rings fade away, but the rock is still in there.  I had an instance once when I told someone I loved them, and I got silence in return.  The words had been given to a friend as a gift, and having it returned unopened was painful.  It remains, after all these years, a wound that even now stings.  I question still whether I regret giving that gift of words, and even though it does still hurt to not have them acknowledged...I wouldn't want to take them back. 

I know I recently posted about the power of our words, but the ones we don't say can have just as much power.  I guess I would rather err on the side of caution rather than hurt someone by speaking something that should remain unspoken.  But I admit this is one area of life that I wish came with a script.  Something along the lines of "this is a conversation that needs to be" or "just talk it out with yourself when you get home".  I don't like wondering...or worse yet knowing that I needed to speak up and didn't.

Again...I'm not sure of the point of this :)  I had my heart tweaked today by hearing of some words that were delivered in a callous and hurtful way, and it caused me to think about my own actions.  I guess all that I can do is to continue to try to act like a grown up that knows how to interact with the people around me.  Maybe one day it will become more clear!  the end.

a life in progress...

It's Thanksgiving week, which means December is nearly here...which means that the end of the year is fast approaching!  I had many plans and goals for this year, and sadly, several of them are not going to be met. 

One of the things I started in January was my "year in stitches" project.  The plan was to chronicle the year in a knit scarf, with different colors signifying different events (blue for sun, gray for clouds, gold for awesome...).  At the end of the year, my plan was that I was going to get some sort of dinner and wrap the scarf around it and give it to one of the homeless in Missoula.  Food for their tummy and a scarf for warmth.  To that end, I was making it wide so it would actually do some good.  I love the idea of this project, but the implementation of it fell a little flat.

This is what I have...

It is a very interesting chronicle indeed!  If it wasn't so sad to me...I could probably laugh it off!  But the fact of the matter is, I probably haven't added to it since around the end of April.  I kept recording the weather until here...

...then it looks like I gave up.



As I look back over the year that has nearly passed, it seems that a lot of things "stopped" at the end of May!  May 31st there was a little "cloudy" notation.  June 1st was my 2nd test in the summer Chemistry class I had to take...when I started feeling really overwhelmed and felt I was certain to fail.  I will just add that I ended up with and "A" in Chem (which was NOT an easy task)...but I set expectations for myself that can be a bit consuming.

I can look back and see that the last run I did for the half marathon I was training for was my last 6 mile run on May 20th.  The day before my Chem class started.  After that date, I have runs penciled into my schedule...and then crossed off.  Though I did a few shorter runs as the half got close, I never got back on schedule.  I have notations of the weather or events that I wanted to add to my scarf but not done.  Followed by notes to call an antique dealer to sell furniture I didn't want to sell to make a move I didn't want to make.  See a snowball effect going here?

I gave up.  Instead of staying the course on living an intentionally purposeful life, I caved into old patterns and just survived.  How many times do you need to start to change until you can succeed?  How many times will I need to implement change before it sticks?  I don't know...I really don't.  The health goals I set for myself will not be met.  I did the half marathon, but it took a chunk out of me (mostly off the bottoms of me feet!).  :)  My scarf languishes in a basket of skeins of yarn that should be nearly gone.  The grade goals I set for myself for this semester appear out of reach...time management plans all but abandoned.

What is the point of this?  I think I was reminded about value this morning.  I was convicted to look at where I am investing my treasure.  Most of the worldly goals I set for myself have gone up in a puff of smoke.  But I have found a new church, and I like the heart of who I am much better than I did a year ago.  And those things weren't on my "list".  :)  Maybe that is the point.  I must focus on what truly matters in order for the rest of it to make any sense!  I need to just continue to breathe and know that if what I am doing for the Lord is in line with His plan, He will see to the rest.  Relationships will never be perfect.  Finanaces will be short.  I will choose ice cream for dinner over a salad.  But who do I rely on for the source of my strength?  Because if it's me...I'm in trouble!

The next couple of weeks hold goals that must be met in order for the path I am walking on not to end in a brick wall.  I am trying not to stress out about it...just do my part.  SO hard!  I've come up against brick walls in the past and know they usually aren't fatal.  So...focus on the One that knows.  And maybe I'll spend a little time trying to add some length to that scarf in whatever color pattern I choose...because that will make my heart smile.  the end

Pumpkin Oatmeal Raisin cookies

So...since I am still avoiding my books like the plague!  Here is a cookie recipe I came up with :)  I looked at several, and none were quite what I wanted.  So...I "this & that'd" my way to these!

Pumpkin Oatmeal Raisin Cookies

Cream together:

1 1/2 c. butter (3 sticks)
1 c. pumpkin puree (not pumpkin pie mix)
1 1/2 c. packed brown sugar
1 c. sugar

Add:

4 eggs
2 t. vanilla

Combine & add:

5 c. all purpose flour
2 t. baking soda
1/2 ish t. salt  (I don't like to taste the salt in cookies...your mileage may vary)
2 t. cinnamon

Add:

6 c. old fashioned oats
1 c. raisins

Drop by spoonfuls onto an ungreased cookie sheet.  Bake 10ish minutes, depending on the size of your cookie.  I haven't baked these all yet, but this is a big recipe!  If you don't want a ton of cookies to share...you might want to cut it down a bit! :)

I like soft, plump cookies...and that is exactly how these turned out!  They should be really sweet, but the overall flavor is pumpkin!  I hate to say so myself...but I think they are yummy!!  Enjoy!!

the power of words...

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about words.  Too much thinking!  I feel like I need to dump all the words in my head out so I can have room for other things...like the exams I need to be studying for!

The power that our words hold can be amazingly wonderful, and fearfully dangerous.  Some folks throw around negative words without a thought, feeling they have every right to express how they are feeling and you just need to adapt.  Still others refuse to speak the words they so desperately want to out of fear of reprisal.  There are those who will write words they could never say in public (read any comment stream on a hot bed post or news article pretty much anywhere)...free to throw their weight around as long as no one knows who they are.  Opinions are a dime a dozen.  Every one has one, and most are free to share theirs.  The other side of that coin is, there are those who would prefer you didn't share yours, and will use their words or non words to let you know. 

We will go far to defend our right to our own opinion.  I was in class the other day, and there were some guys talking in their normal voices while the professor was speaking (class size probably about 200).  The professor is a female, and she has a fairly quiet voice.  We couldn't hear at all...so I shushed them.  Big mistake.  They not only proceeded to talk more, they started talking to their friends a few rows behind them.  I got a look that let me know I was the 2 headed witch without a clue, and the rest of the class was a waste of time. 

Once words are spoken, they can't ever be taken back.  You can apologize or make an effort to explain them more fully, but they can never be undone.  It is the same with words that are left unspoken.  You  may be given another chance to put a voice behind your thoughts, but you may not.  There is a song with the lyrics "words said in anger aimed at someone, are hard to take back once the damage is done"...I would say they are impossible to take back, but I have been accused of letting my mind work overtime and making too much out of things.  More words that can't be forgotten...

Have you ever told someone you loved them and gotten silence back in return?  The pain of those non words is carried a long time.  Waited for a "thank you" that never came?  Even though we shouldn't do things with the expectation of thanks...not giving thanks when you are on the receiving end is just rude.  Of course, there are times when there just aren't the right words to speak to someone in pain, then the best form of non verbal communication is just a hug.  Unless the recipient isn't a "hugger"...then you may just make things worse :)

We are a complex lot!!

I'm not sure this post has a point.  I have just heard so many things lately that have filled my head with questions about why we say the things we do.  Walking across campus the other day while following a group of young men, I wanted to go "nani"on them and ask them to just get to the point without the profanity.  Their conversation could have been done in 5 steps.  I'm pretty sure they would have had words for me that would have made an even bigger impact...so I just changed direction.

Have a care with your words, and the attitude you dispense them with.  And be truthful, because a lie or gossip spoken is the worst kind of ugly.  In the words of the Sunday school song ... "be careful little mouth what you say".  The end.

why do you give?

One of the most disheartening things I have read in the past couple of days were people saying they were done with donations.  The thought was that if folks wanted the government to take care of them, they could get what they needed that way.  I don't understand that line of thinking.  In fact, it felt like a stab in the heart. 

I want to ask why you give? 

Nothing gives me greater joy!  I feel like I get way more in return than in any way it might give help to others.  Just knowing that you have given a moment of happiness to someone who probably needed it so desperately...how can you give that up because of world events?  I understand not being able to afford to do a lot, but there are so many things you can do for very little money that will still mean the world to someone.

One of my favorite charities this time of year is Operation Christmas Child.

Collection week this year is next week!   November 12th-19th.  If you haven't ever filled a shoebox, or you aren't sure where to drop one off, here is the link for Samaritan's Purse with all the info you need!  http://www.samaritanspurse.org/index.php   I did this last year with my 2 oldest grands, and hope we can do it again this year.  It is a great lesson for them!

There are several things I like to do locally that are very low cost.  The amount you spend isn't what is important!  Just take the time to DO something.  From your heart!  Not as a form of revenge or to think it makes you a better person!  Just be involved...reach out!

It's time to get our heads on straight!  Do what you can to be part of positive change.  If something of this magnitude is allowed to change the core of who you are, perhaps you need to take a 2nd look in the mirror.  Love your family...reach out! 

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."  Edmund Burke

the promise of a new day...

I was a little later to school this morning than usual, and this is the reason why...

 

I wasn't especially happy about the way our election turned out.  To those that know me, I'm sure that isn't a huge surprise.  So many of the policies and beliefs of the current administration go against what I believe to be true & right & good.  But I was making an effort to put aside being upset, and keeping my eyes and my heart focused on who I am in the scheme of things. 

As I left my apartment heading to school (on time at this point), I started to notice that things just seemed "rosey"!  Then I noticed that the skies overhead were so incredibly beautiful!  I had to pull over and grab my camera because it felt like a teachable moment :)  It felt like a promise to me, much in the same way that a rainbow is a promise.  There were all these really dark clouds, but the bottoms of them were beautiful shades of pink :)

I seriously sat parked in my car for like what seemed forever, but I'm sure was about 5 minutes.  I kept snapping picture after picture as the sky just seemed to keep changing.  And my heart started to feel more hope.  Not that things are suddenly going to get all "fine", but that it isn't a hopeless situation.  The same God of yesterday was still in control.  He was not surprised by the outcome of the election.  It may or may not have been the candidate of His choice being elected...but if it was not His choice, He has allowed it.  And that is all I need to know.

I've witnessed a lot of name calling and garbage from quite a few people already today.  I can't imagine much else gives satan more glee than having us in a beat down, whining & complaining state.  I refuse to give him the satisfaction.  To quote what used to be one of my favorite TV football coaches "clear eyes, full heart...can't lose".  Even if the outcome of the game is not in your favor, if you keep your heart & eyes focused on the Maker of the skies...you can't lose what is most important.

not from this morning...but I love the glory rays!

the birth of a dream...

It is sometimes scary sharing your heart.  And in this instance...sharing a dream that is SO big it can't possibly happen without God's hand on it...well, that's even scarier!  But the reality is, I believe in this SO strongly, and my heart is so filled with the possibility of it...I want to talk about it!  First, a little background might help.

Many, many years ago I had a dream of opening a Bed & Breakfast.  There were talks of porches, pumpkin patches and much recipe testing of muffins and such.  That dream turned into just a small collection of cookbooks!  Years later, I had a dream of having a coffee shop where I could bake and put those recipes I had worked on to good use!  That one didn't turn out to be reality either...though I enjoyed the dreaming of it very much!

It was in the going through my Mom's breast cancer with her 3 years ago that I felt like I was being pulled into going back to school to finish the path to becoming a nurse, with the focus on Pediatric Oncology.  But I felt incapable of going through what it would take to make that happen.  I had just been through the very emotional experience of losing a business that I had put everything I had into.  I just wanted quiet and "normal".  But God had other plans :)

I try very hard to live my life by my faith.  I lived life without it for a long time, and I was miserable.  I knew it was the right thing to buy a Christian bookstore in AK.  When it was time to walk away from it, an apparent failure by the worlds standards, I knew that was the right thing to do as well.  Now I felt God pulling me in a direction I wasn't sure I wanted to go.  I wanted to make coffee and bake cookies & cupcakes!!  This seemed like it was the door slamming on yet another dream...but I moved forward and entered college because I knew it was right.  I don't know how I knew...I just did.

The path that has been my college education has not been a smooth sail by any stretch of the imagination!  It is hard work!  When you reach the point of your life when you are a grandma (nani) and what you really want to do is play with the grands and bake cookies & such...studying and going to classes and taking exams is not quite the trade off I was seeking!  I've actually changed paths within the path several times...which has led to more classes than I would have needed.  Because of some bad information and some reverse decision making, my prereqs have taken 3 years to get done.  If this semester goes well, I will be starting the actual nursing program portion of this journey and hopefully graduating with a Bachelor's degree in 2015.  Which will make me 56 years old.  I've been wondering how that's going to work out for me...a lot!

Then enters the dream!  The realization for this came smacking into me after a particularly pathetic time of prayer.  More like a gripe session with God along the lines of "what are You thinking???".  Then wham!  There is was!  It was all my past desires rolled into one big picture that is overwhelming with the possibility of it!  Does it seem like I am stalling actually putting words to it?  I am.  But I've tiptoed around it long enough, so here goes....

I want to establish a non-profit retreat for cancer families.  It will be a place where they can come for a short stay and be loved on.  It will be close enough to the hospital that they can be there without a long delay, but far enough away that they will be "away from the hospital".  I want enough acreage that we can have great things for them to do!  I want a pool and horses and a pond to fish in.  I want a big garden so we can feed them wonderful healthy meals.  And grow pumpkins for them to carve in the Fall.  I want a large room that we can decorate for any special occasion...with tall ceilings for a tall Christmas tree for when they can't get "home" for Christmas.  I want to be able to take photos for the families to have forever.  And I will bake cookies and cupcakes and birthday cakes and whatever else we need!  It will be called nani's house...and it will be a place of rest and peace. 

I have no idea where this will go.  I do know it gives me a hope for the future that I haven't felt in a long time.  There is so much more, but this has gotten frightfully long!  There is a long road in front of me with more twists & turns.  It's scary...but it's a good scary :)

handle with care...

This is how the past couple of days have felt...

 

...and I'm not complaining..

I'm just stating a fact.

 

 

First...let me say that I had WAY better intentions for this blog!  I will be more regular in the future, but right now, I'm just trying to get 'er done!  Now that I got that out of the way...

 

I took this picture at work after UPS made a delivery.  When I got a look at it, it stopped me right in my tracks.  Seriously...I just stood there and looked at it for a minute, then I went to grab my camera to take a picture :)

 

I heard a comment the other day that stung in a way that surprised me.  When you poke a fresh wound, you pretty much know it will bleed.  But you don't always expect the sting when a healed scar accidentally gets prodded.  It got me wondering if it will always sting to some degree?  I've decided that I would rather have the occasional sting then to not have the memories that evoke it.  I am the sum of the past moments of my life, and even though I need a calculator to keep track of it, I like who I've grown to be.  I am who I am because of the "stuff"...good & "bad". 

 

I also read something pretty awesome on a friends facebook page...I don't know who Anthony is, but I know he is a child.  I also know that for a child, he has some great insight!!  He said something to the effect of "that strikes a familiar stone", and when asked to explain said that when you strike a stone against another stone, it sparks...like sparks a memory.  It makes perfect sense to me!  We build fires to keep us warm, but they can also burn us if we aren't careful. Our memories are a gift!  But like fire, if you get too close to some of them for too long...you're going to get burned!

 

The contents in this box were fragile, but the knock on the corner of it didn't destroy the items inside.  They are still intact & useful.  The box has a scar that shows the journey was a little difficult...but it doesn't make sense to toss it away.

 

Cherish your memories...all of them!

 

 



pink October

Sometime in the future, I will have more to say about the name of my blog.  Yes...I am nani (or a nani), and yes...I am writing from my house!  That's not the whole story :)  In part, it has something to do with pink October, but it is a story for another day!

Today I just wanted to say a word or two about why I am in the process of pink October.  Three years ago, my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.  It was in spending some time with her as she went through surgery and the time after, during her chemo treatments, that something inside of me began to change.  I had started working towards my nursing degree about 25 years ago, but things kind of changed all at once, and since part of that involved a move, I never got back to it.  My kids were young, and I felt like that was where I needed to put my energy.  Though I don't for one minute regret that choice...I also wish I had been able to continue to my degree at that point of my life!

As I sat with my Mom at the hospital, I found myself very interested in what was going on around me.  She had some amazing nurses, and one that I specifically remember not being so amazing.  I started to get the feeling that maybe this was a direction I would be moving in.  Then when I went back to be with her through one of her chemo weeks...I felt a strong pull!  The chemo center nurses were amazing!  Though I know it has to be one of the hardest jobs on the planet, they handled it with humor and grace.  And I wanted to be them.

There is so much cancer in our world.  I follow several blogs/stories of people of all ages that are fighting this horrible disease, but most of them are children.  Maybe I get too emotionally involved, but I don't know how you can't.  It is still an area I feel pulled to!  I've been told I can't do it...that I will get eaten alive or have a break down.  I've been told I'm too soft and emotional...that I cry too easily.  I am a very emotion based person and I DO cry at the drop of a hat!  But I also know, right at this moment in time, that is the direction I am to be moving in.

What I also know is that people that are fighting cancer and its' uncertainties deserve our respect.  I want to be able to do so much more, but know that I am doing all I can at this moment in my life.  When I make a "deal" out of pink October, I'm not really just supporting breast cancer.  That is the area that is closest to my life, so that is the one I chose to highlight.  Though I do that mostly for my Mom, it is largely for me as well! 

I am trying to take a picture with pink in it every day this month, and have been posting them to my facebook page.  When I am on the lookout for something pink, it focuses my heart off of me.  Though it makes me sad, breast cancer has brought me closer to my Mom.  I make an effort to be more present in her life in ways I wish I would have done before.  And though my Mom is not a "pink" type of person...she wears it proudly!  So pink October is my way to honor her.  And in honoring her, I honor the friends I have lost to this disease and the ones fighting it right now.

My Mom and I don't share the same emotion base...I get my marshmallow personality from my Dad :)  I hardly saw her give in to any sort of fear or sadness through her whole treatment period...except for the day we went to a class/gathering that I believe was put together by volunteers from the American Cancer Society.  We got together to be girls...to try on wigs and different make up.  We laughed (and cried) and felt safe being a little angry.  When I saw the tears in my Mom's eyes, I knew this was making it more real for her than even her surgery had.  The loss of her hair was something that was out of her control...no decisions to make on how to proceed.  Just prepare. 

It's moments like that, and moments like watching her sleep that vulnerable sleep after surgery, and needing to make her eat and drink during chemo when she didn't want to...those are some of the reasons I do pink October.  Those are the moments that changed me forever.

the end...

a new chapter...

I have been meaning to get a new blog rolling for a while now, but life kept getting in the way!  As I sat in church this morning, and after a couple of weeks of lots of different emotions, I decided today was the day!  So let's be about it...shall we? :)

It appears that Fall is truly upon us.  The leaves are changing and the windshield has needed scraping a couple of days.  Though I love Spring and all the new promise it brings, I have always loved Fall more.  To me, Fall feels more like a time of renewal.  I love the "feeling" of the season we are about to enter...first a time of thanksgiving, and then a season of giving and joy.  I argue and fight against all the commercialism that starts this time of year...but I love it to the very heart of me!  I get frustrated with people that gripe about the "money" aspect of the holidays.  Change it.  Within you.  Don't spend all your time moaning about what shouldn't be...spend your time making it what it feels like it should be to you.

The theme of the message at church today was joy, though that isn't what hit me the hardest :)  What got me thinking was the Pastor sharing a story about how someone he respected saying something to him that crushed him.  What really got me was that even in the retelling of a story that happened years ago, he was still greatly affected by it.  I appreciated his honesty in sharing how deeply he was hurt...and it brought several instances of my own to mind.  But the thing that had the most impact was just the reminder about how imperfect we all are.

I think one of the things that gives Christians a "bad name" is the way we treat each other!  We are sometimes so busy living other peoples lives "right" we don't pay enough attention to our own.  Is it really easier to see others perceived shortcomings, or is it just easier to try to change them?  I don't like the statement "don't judge me" because I also believe we have a responsibility to be "fruit inspectors" for fellow believers.  But when we don't like what we are being told, we say "it's not our place to judge!".  Baloney!  It's your heart and your intentions I'm not to judge.  Your actions are a whole different story.

However, I don't believe that applies to people who do not profess a belief in Christ.  There isn't a universal scale to measure everyone by.  I can't expect someone who isn't a christian to live by the same standards I try to live by.  I had a friend at school recently tell me something that filled me with disbelief.  There was a group at school handing out Bibles, and they attempted to hand her one with the statement "here, you look like you need to be saved".  Really??  Can't you think of about a thousand different things to say at that moment??

If you aren't a christian, I also challenge you to not be reading this going "yeah!!  stupid christian's think they are SO righteous!!".  Totally not my point.  I think we are ALL too busy thinking we know how to live everyone else's life better than they are doing it.  Stop it.  Live your life.  Live it well and open and be giving and kind.

Since it is Sunday, and it appears I am already in a preachy sort of mood...I will relate one more story.  I went to WalMart several weeks ago.  It was fairly late on a Sunday evening.  I asked the checker how he was doing, and he looked at me like I had 2 heads for even speaking to him.  We then chatted while he scanned my stuff, and he asked my why I was in getting groceries so late.  I told him I was going to stop earlier but it looked like it was really busy.  He then cautioned me to never come in on a Sunday right after church because people were so rude then.  Then he shook my hand and thanked me for not treating him like he was beneath me...for taking the time to talk with him.

So what is the moral of the story? I've been told I was "too christian". I don't even know what that means. I screw up all. the. time. I say the wrong things...do the wrong things...behave in a way that makes me cringe later. I treat others with disrespect. I can take a llloonnggg time getting to forgiveness. But Jesus doesn't expect me to be perfect :) He just expects me to keep trying. To give that forgiveness when it is due. To act in a way that brings glory to Him and not to me. I don't want to offend others with my faith, but I'm not going to be someone I'm not to make them comfortable either (most of the time). This is what my life looks like. Don't be about trying to change me...and I will make my best effort to not measure your life on my scale either.

But be nice to the people that work at WalMart (or wherever!).  This guy was a dad with wife & 2 kids at home he was trying to support while he was going to school to be a teacher.  Dude deserves a medal!!  If you don't want to chat with him...at least give him a smile & be kind!!  The end.