...so I need to get some stuff cleared out to make way for new stuff!
I'm not really sure where to start, or even if this will come together in a way that will make any sense. But...that won't be the first time that has happened! I had the opportunity last weekend to speak to a old friend that I hadn't talked to in over 30 years. I think my muddled head has something to do with that. Sketching out what the last 30 years has looked like as briefly as possible is like opening boxes in the attic to get a glimpse of what is in them. The dust tickles your nose and you may cough a bit. It's interesting to see what has been packed away, but if it is just "stuff you want to keep but don't need every day", it has to be packed back away so the lid shuts well. But once you've seen it and touched it, it stays on your mind for awhile. Or something like that.
On top of that, it was Valentines week. I have some friends that hate it, and some that were doing the "singles awareness" thing. I believe that is what really got my head spinning! I believe in long term, lasting forever love. It is what I wanted more than anything, but it was not to be. Just because I have been through a divorce does not mean I still don't believe in that. I loved seeing the pictures of roses and sweet notes that were put up on facebook. I really loved the surprise candlelight pizza dinner on china that one young man set up for his bride of not yet 2 years. They are building a new home, and he set it up there amid the studs and construction. That made me smile big! I love when people profess their love for their spouse, whether it is on facebook or written in the snow or dust or whatever. I think if we fought as hard FOR our marriages as we do against them sometimes...well we would have something pretty amazing. I don't need to call it anything other than what it is...Valentines day. Yup...man made holiday about nothing other than letting those you love know it and sharing it with others. It doesn't have to be a spouse. So what if you are single...isn't there someone you love enough to make them feel special?? Do you tell them everyday? Good for you!! Still doesn't mean you have to boycott the whole day. Or that you can't boycott it quietly.
moving on.......but not far..........
Why has this affected me so deeply? Much has happened this week that has made me just SO thankful. A sweet baby girl that started her life out with an uphill battle got to go home from the hospital and learn what it's like at her new home...with a mama that has been by her side and away from that same home for about 2 months. Another little guy that is almost a year old is going home from the hospital for the first time in his life. I learned that a little 6 year old girl had a clear MRI after 2 bouts of brain cancer. And then there were hard things. A young woman my daughter played softball with lost her life this week. Another child, a 10 year old, that will soon be leaving this earth due to illness. With each story, my mama's heart was stretched and challenged. In each case, I think about what the mom must be feeling. I know dad's are involved too, but being the incubator for a little life makes them a part of you that never goes away. Their joys are magnified in your heart, and their sorrows hurt you deeply. Both sometimes in ways that can't be expressed with words...there are only tears to mark the occasion. Lessons learned...prayers of thanks offered.
I had my television on one night for background noise...HGTV I believe. Some show about outrageous homes. I heard them say something about just the knives alone for this large table cost $115,000.00 dollars. And I just stopped. First off...it was a big table (I believe it seated 80). Secondly...it was a big UGLY table! But it was the cost of the knives that got me. Knives that will cost just a bit more than the college education I am fighting so hard for. Then they asked the price of the table...over $300,000.00. Let me be very clear that if that is what these folks want to spend their money on...more power to them!! It was just hearing that in the midst of every other thing going through my mind this week that stopped me in my tracks. Then there was the trying to put it into perspective...but I'm still working on that a bit.
See...I want SO much to be able to finish my degree. I also want very much to be able to establish nani's house and get busy with the business of bringing joy to those I want to encourage. There was that little part of my brain that started with the "oh man...what I could do with the 400+ thousand dollars that they spent on a table and knives". But then the rest of my brain (along with my heart) started the work of helping me to realize that that is not MY story...it is theirs. My story doesn't have a big ol' table with expensive knives. I have 3 tables...one I bought at a garage sale for $10, one belonged to my grandmother and is peeling salmon/pink paint all over the spare room and the one that is in my dining room piled with my computer, printer and a ton of books that came from Costco. That is my story, and just because it didn't cost as much doesn't mean it isn't worth as much.
So I guess the moral of this whole story is this. Anytime you want to shout your love out for somebody...I am all ears!! It is valuable information, and the fact that you want to talk about it makes me happy. I think of the mama's that won't have their kids here to tell them just one more time how much they love them, or the wives/husbands who don't get to have the "traditional" Valentines day. We all have our own stories to tell, those pieces that make us who we are. I can have momentary longings about living it a different way, but I really don't want to. I want to feel every emotion of living MY story the way God has written it. I don't want to know the ending because I know me well enough to know that I would try to tweak it somehow, and then it wouldn't be the best story. I want the best one...the one that has been carved out just for me. the end.
