December 2018

It has been a good long time since I sat at this keyboard to write a blog post.  In logging in today, I found a post I started about the day I sat for my board exam for my nursing license.  Even though I never finished it, I pushed the publish button because it needs to be remembered!

But here we are at today, the Saturday before Christmas.  2 days to finish a mountain of to do projects...all of them important to me!  I have been up for hours, and this is still where I am

I hopped out of bed, threw on a sweatshirt and stretchy pants over/under my jammies...grabbed a cup of coffee with all good intentions of moving on fairly quickly.  And screeched to a halt!  I have my notebook beside me to write the master plan for accomplishing all the things.  I have a pen I like, ready to write.  Instead, I logged onto this page.  Where I haven't been in 3 years!  Because suddenly...I need to write!  It is on the mental list of things I want to get back to in 2019.  But it isn't 2019 yet.  Today feels like the right day for some reason.  Maybe because it has been a really long couple of weeks.  Maybe because my focus was on fund raising for a few projects that were huge in my heart, and when they were done I didn't know what to do next.  And just maybe because I am procrastinating...because I am super good at that!  My mind is on constant whirl & plan...but the doing, that takes some "doing.

before sunrise...                                                                                           …and during

A pot of coffee, 3 Christmas cookies, and a more reasonable breakfast later, the paper still sits unwritten on.  I am marginally ready for a nap, but there is no time for that!  So instead, I will write for just a few minutes!

I mentioned before that I had done a few fund raising projects this year.  I spent a lot of time focusing on making Christmas better for people who were in tough situations.  I also had the great joy of spending time with my grands/littles focusing on the needs of kids that were in tough situations that were not of their choosing.  We had a Grinchmas Day, and it was so fun!  We shopped for other kids, and then dove into the rest of the day/night doing "grinchy" things.  They are amazing kids!  They don't always make good decisions, and they can be trying to their parents...but in this project we did together, they were awesome!  

There is a downside to this that I didn't expect.  My capacity for extending grace for selfish words or actions greatly reduced.  In listening to, or reading about, people talking about how horrible their lives are, or how horrible the world situation is...I had no patience.  Things in my life that normally would be big things, turned into occasions for frustration.  I know I am probably not relating this well, but that is as close as I can come.  Most of us have amazing lives.  We have all we need.  Our wants may not be met, but we truly want for very little.  I was talking with a doc at work yesterday about a mutual case we were working on, and how neither of us felt it was going well.  But I ended up by telling him that I had the extreme pleasure of pushing along approval for admission for a kidney transplant, and 3 chemo stay approvals for 3 different families being affected by new cancer diagnoses.  I'm not saving lives the way I was focused on as a nursing student, but I have to remind myself that the work I am doing is important to ease some of the worries these folks are dealing with daily.  It doesn't fill all the parts of my heart that want to be filled, but it is important work regardless of that fact.  

What has been made abundantly clear, is that I am not satisfied with settling for a minor role in my own life.  If there are changes to be made, I am the one that is going to have to get about making them!  I still have this great big dream of nani's house, and providing comfort and love for these cancer families is high on my list of things I want to get about doing.  What I am realizing now however, is that the dream I had may need some reshaping.  So...the mind will continue to whirl and whoosh around.  But my heart is settled on a plan to move along whatever path God has for me!  I will work harder on not apologizing for who I am, and who I desire to be.  I will remember that no one has the heart for my dreams but me (even though I have some amazingly supportive friends!!).  I will listen less to the voices that tell me I can't do it, and focus on the One voice that guides the ship!  And if I hear/interpret wrong, I will adjust my sails to whatever direction the wind takes.  Because the God I serve doesn't run out of grace, and although I have given him numerous reasons to lose His patience with me...He's all in.  Every day.  Every time.  ...the beginning continues