The last several years, I have written lots of posts on my facebook page about my journey through nursing school. For most of them, I added "the end." on the end. I'm not sure why...maybe it was just a form of punctuation, because I like to make those up too. I also am fond of lower case letters when they aren't appropriate, but so was e.e. cummings, and he said things like "the most wasted of all days is one without laughter" and "it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are". You can't argue with that kind of guy! But this week, when I was finally able to write the post that exclaimed my passing of the licensing exam to actually be a nurse, I added "the beginning" on the end without thinking. As I have thought more about it, that is exactly how this journey felt.
As I was going through, each step felt like a jump from stone to stone along a path. Then suddenly...the road before me opened up and the weight of not believing fell off my shoulders. I have also had a few moments of panic when I felt like I needed to be studying, and it feels like those 2 new letters at the end of my name don't quite fit yet. But I will grow into them. Hopefully every day for the rest of my life I will have opportunities to do justice to what was an extremely hard journey.
Sitting for boards is a very intimidating process, or at least it was to me. You aren't allowed to take anything in to the testing room with you...even water (which didn't matter anyway since I forgot my water bottle at the hotel!). Before you go in you have to pat down you pockets, take off jewelry and let them look under your hair and behind your ears. I felt like I was going to jail! At one point, my palms got damp and I laid my hands on my legs for a minute...all the while worrying that the proctor would think I was reaching for a cheat sheet!
Because I am me, I also did not do this test the "easy" way. There are a total of 265 questions allowed (minimum of 75). I got all 265! You are allowed a total of 6 hours to complete the test, and I took just over 4 hours. I heard people getting up to leave started to panic. I lost focus for a few questions and had to mentally smack myself up alongside the head. At questions 175, I knew I needed to take a break or I was going to lose it completely. I raised my hand to be escorted out of the room, and opened my locker for some fruit snacks...hoping the sugar would jump start my brain! I reminded myself that the computer hadn't turned off yet and was still giving me questions, so I needed to get back in there and focus because I wasn't done!
I had to go through the pat down scenario and be escorted back to my computer terminal, took a deep breath and dove back in. To a question with meds I had never heard of and having no earthly idea which of the 4 answers was the rightest one. I picked one, and can not even begin to tell you why. I pushed the "next" button, and was absolutely certain the computer would turn off because I had chosen wrong. And then I had that feeling after every question all the way to 265. I reached a point where I just wished it would shut off and I could be done...even if I did not pass. I just wanted out of that room. And then suddenly, question #265 popped up on the monitor. I narrowed it down to 2 answers, and could not decide which way to go. I looked at the clock and realized I had almost 2 hours to make a decision...I did not want to get it wrong! I'm sure the proctor was keeping a good eye on me, because I was moving my hands all around trying to recreate the question. Finally, I just made a choice, sat back and looked at it for a minute...then clicked the button to finish.
I wanted bells and whistles. What I got was an exit questionnaire! 13 more questions!! When I had trouble answering the first one, which asked me my gender, and I had to pause to think...I started to get emotional. I don't even remember the rest. I just knew I was going to lose it and I had to get out of that room! I managed to make it across the street to my hotel, and almost to my room before I couldn't hold in the nerves any longer. Thankfully no one was in the hallway, because they would have thought I had been drinking because I couldn't get the door to my room open!
***This is a post that I never finished, and in reading it this morning, I was whooshed back in time and have been staggered by these memories. I will not finish the story now, except to say I had to wait several days for the results of my exam. I did pass it...and the story is so much bigger than that. But this part, the horrible exam day part...needs to be remembered. So I'm just going to post it as it!
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